Trio/Duo

On my side of the family, there are 13 {14} cousins.

4 {5} L-kids (mine), 4 S-kids (my sister, Hayley’s), 4 W-kids (my sister, Ashley’s), and 1 O-kid (my brother, Daniel’s).

When we all get together…

*Elijah (11), Layla (11), Madelyn (10), and Susannah (7) are known as the ‘big kids’. 

*Rachel (5) and Levi (5), are the ‘middle kids’. 

*Missy (5), Elizabeth (4), and Bria (3) are the ‘little girls’. 

*Seth (2) and Wyatt (2) are just getting old enough to play together – beach week is coming up, and I’m certain they’ll create a name for themselves.  J 

In 2012, 3 more cousins were born.  Rebekah (born March 23), Dottie (June 20), and Elliana (October 5). 

When Dottie was born, we were just weeks away from finding out if Baby Lindegren was a boy or a girl.  I was SO hoping that it would be a girl – for several reasons – but two of those reasons were Rebekah and Dottie.

And for 30 minutes on July 3, between the moment the ultrasound tech said ‘It’s a girl’ and the moment my doctor said ‘I have some concerns about your daughter’, I was so excited – thankful – that the littlest cousins would be a baby girl trio.

And then… well, the trio is only a duo.

I remember Rebekah and Dottie at the graveside service.  I remember hearing them behind me.  They weren’t loud.  I don’t even think they cried.  But I remember hearing them there.  I’m glad they were there.  That was the only time the trio was ‘together’. 

At Thanksgiving, it was excruciating to be around Rebekah and Dottie.  I tried to be ‘ok’.  And my sister and sister-in-law were both so understanding.  I knew it was hard for them, too  - to be holding and taking care of their babies, and to be around me – the new mom who wasn't holding or taking care of a baby.

Christmas was equally as difficult.

The next time we were all together was at the end of March for the birthday-bash-for-any-cousin-with-a-birthday-between-January-and-May.  It was a little easier.  I held Rebekah on my lap at least once.  And I picked Dottie up when she was headed into 'forbidden territory' once.

Last Saturday, there was a big birthday party for Dottie at my parents' house.  As soon as I knew there was going to be a birthday party, I knew I wouldn't be able to go.  Way too many people, and way too much emotion.  I would have been a mess.  So we didn't go. 

The kids and I did, however, travel to South Carolina this past Thursday, June 20, on Dottie's birthday. I wanted to be a part of celebrating her birthday, and I thought I could probably handle a small celebration at my parents' house.  And it wound up being a good memory.  J  Dottie as a one-year-old doesn't remind me so much of my 2-pound-11-ounces Elliana.  Dottie is a toddler.  She has her own little personality, she talks (a lot), she eats table food.  Looking at her now is just... looking at my brother's little girl.  J  And that makes me happy - that my brother is a daddy, and that he has a little girl.

I was even able to get a picture with Dottie.  This was a 'happy moment' during our trip to South Carolina... 

**Psychotic moment:  Ok.  So I posted this picture on Facebook.  Not sure why - I just wanted to.  And now I'm not sure I should have and I'm thinking way too much about this and I think people just think I'm all happy now and that everything's fine and I'm all 'better'.  No one has actually said that.  That's just what I think everyone might be thinking.  So, for the record, I'M NOT ALL BETTER, EVERYTHING IS *NOT* FINE, AND MY HEART STILL ACHES ALL THE TIME.  

***I'm pretty sure no one needed to hear that.  I just needed to 'say' it.

I am very glad to have a picture of me and Dottie.  Maybe she'll be smiling in the next one.  :-)

Now I need a picture of me with my other one-year-old niece, Rebekah.  Maybe at the beach...

I have more thoughts, more on my mind, more to write.  But I'm spent.  Today's been a D A Y.