First, corrections to my last post:
*The race benefits the Second Harvest Food Bank. I'm all for that. :-)
*The course didn't include Elam St. :-( I was kinda bummed. But I took Elam street heading back to my car after the race, and I ran it then. Mostly because I was so cold - and running warms me up!
K. Glad I got those things cleared up. Now, about the race...
The Running of the Balls was a 5K for runners and a walk. Between both events, over 2500 people were registered. That's important. I'll tell you why later. :-)
And I should say - I had to keep reminding myself that this was mostly 'just for fun'. I'm SO competitive. Even if I'm only really competing against my own time. So throughout the evening, I had to keep telling myself to 'just have a good time', 'and enjoy the neighborhood lights', and 'quit thinking about what your time is going to be', and 'think about having fun'. It was a bit of a battle - to stay relaxed about it.
I had a little trouble with packet pick-up - wound up in 3 different lines, and it took F O R E V E R. So by the time I got to the starting line, it was almost 6pm, and there was a really big crowd already there. My competitive self pushed me to try to get as close to the start line as I could - because I didn't want to be slowed down by all those people in front of me. My rational self kept saying 'just have fun, Shannon - it doesn't matter how fast you run this one'.
The race started late, and I didn't even hear the official 'GO!'. The crowd just started moving. So I moved with them.
At a snail's pace. It was torture.
I spent the first mile (which, thanks to MapMyRun, I know took me at least 2 full minutes longer than my typical 'first mile') trying to get past all the slow people (and I mean that in the kindest way possible) AND arguing with my competitive self to *just.calm.down* and have fun.
Pass a few people. 'Just have fun, Shannon.' Get stuck behind more slow people. 'It's just about having a good time, Shannon.' 'WOULD YOU PEOPLE GET OUT OF MY WAY ALREADY?!?!' 'Shannon, you've GOT to get a grip.' Pass a few more slow people.
This lasted about a mile. The argument between competitive me and rational me. And then, the crowd thinned out a little, I was able to run a little faster and freer, and I thought this:
You know what? I might be doing this race just for fun because I love my Ella Belle. BUT... *this mama* (Elliana's, Seth's, Missy's, Levi's and Elijah's mama) is competitive. I'm done 'just having fun'. I haven't changed THAT much!
So I ran. And (I don't *think* I'm saying this arrogantly. Just... well, it was just so fun!)... do you KNOW how many people I passed?? A LOT.
This is where the 2500 registered participants part is important. :-)
Not all 2500 were runners - a bunch of those were walkers. I'm not sure how many were actually running. And of all the ones running, less than 150 were 'chip-timed' runners. I was one of the 150. Cuz... umm... *competitive*.)
Anyway, like I said, I'm not sure how many people ran. A bunch. But.. I know where I placed among all those runners. :-)
I'm kinda proud of this. It's not specTACular or anything, but... I was happy with it.
You ready for this?
I placed 45th overall. I was the 45th person to cross the finish line. And that made me happy. Kinda feel like I kicked butt in that race. And that girl... *the competitive, get-outta-my-way, I'm-gonna-KICK-YOUR-BUTT girl*... THAT girl - is Elliana's mama. :-)
Sunday, December 15, 2013
Saturday, December 14, 2013
That Beautiful Street
Hey there, Diary. It's been a while. :-)
So many things to write about. A counselor observed several weeks ago that I (and I'm probably not going to say this like he did) tend to keep a lid on my anger - and I'm still *pretty angry* about losing my daughter. Every once in a while when this counselor and I are talking, he'll say something that stirs up that anger. And with him, I know it's 'safe' to go ahead and say the angry things. So I'll (usually politely) interrupt him something like, 'You know, when you said ------, it made me think...
!!!asdoiruuonmbvnm,z.reywauieljdfkjnmz,vhueyriusadkbmvhuiysuielafjldksbvkjcyuairyeuiadfsjkalvmcsladfhuieyaiuroehwkdnl!!!! AND &^%#@@$$%^&**&^^%$$$%.'
And the angry words just kind of spill out. For a brief moment, I feel better. Then I put the lid back on, and my reserved self is back in control. Counselor-man has suggested that I might actually move somewhere in this whole grief thing if I'd go ahead and just say the angry things more often. Which I have been able to do. Some. A little. Ok, twice. Not enough.
Anyway, the point of all of that - writing helps. If I can't actually say the angry things, maybe writing about them would be a reasonable alternative? Writing helps me think through things - I can think of several times that I've started blogging, not really knowing why in the world I felt the way I did. But by the time I finished, I was able to see the 'what's going on behind it' stuff. Helpful.
So, Diary - you may be seeing more of me. But that's not why I'm talking to you today.
Later on today, I'm running my 3rd 5k. I started running at the very beginning of September, and I'm still running. Which is rather amazing, since I have never been athletic. Ever. Ask my parents. They would wholeheartedly agree. :-)
This 5k is taking place at night. The nature of this particular race isn't really 'competitive'. It's just fun. *I'll* be competitive. :-) I'll have the little running chip, and I'll want to know my time, and I'll have the MapMyRun app running on my phone during the race. But from what I hear, there are going to be 2500+ participants, and most of them are there for the fun. Here's the fun part. :-)
It's called 'The Running of the Balls' (yeah, it is). Part of the race takes place on a street that is beautifully decorated at Christmas time - Elam Street. It's gorgeous at night. I think it'll be kinda fun to run down that street. :-)
But this time - running this 5k - isn't really so much about the competitiveness. It's not really about beating my last 5k time. And it's not really about how pretty the street is at Christmas.
It's about my baby girl.
Throughout my pregnancy with her, I drove Elam St dozens of times. It was the way I took to get to my doctor's office. And Elam St is a pretty street anytime - not just at Christmas. Big beautiful old houses, huge trees, porches - it's just a pretty street. And I drove that street so many times last summer and early fall. Before 18 weeks, I remember driving down that street smiling, having just left my doctor's office, and having heard her little heartbeat - which made me so happy. :-) After 18 weeks, I remember sitting at a stoplight or two on that street, on my way to an appointment, being anxious about what I was about to hear from the doctor. I remember leaving appointments, driving down that street, just sobbing - because I'd heard that same beautiful heartbeat, and my heart was just broken that I was going to have to say goodbye to her FAR too soon.
I have memories on that street. I remember driving down that street with a friend or two who came to an appointment with me. I remember driving down that street with my mom after my last pre-hospitalization ultrasound. I remember feeling her kick and squirm. I have 'Elliana memories' on that street.
So tonight, I'm going to run that street. Sort of my Christmas thing to do 'with/for/because of her'. Which sort of doesn't make sense, but... *I* get it. This race doesn't benefit anything, it's not raising money for a cause - it's just... fun. And beautiful. I hope it'll be beautiful not only because of the Christmas lights, but in other ways, too. It helps to see the beautiful things that have come from her life. And I think 'me', Ella Belle's mama, now a runner, the person I'm becoming, *might* be one of those things?
Might be.
So many things to write about. A counselor observed several weeks ago that I (and I'm probably not going to say this like he did) tend to keep a lid on my anger - and I'm still *pretty angry* about losing my daughter. Every once in a while when this counselor and I are talking, he'll say something that stirs up that anger. And with him, I know it's 'safe' to go ahead and say the angry things. So I'll (usually politely) interrupt him something like, 'You know, when you said ------, it made me think...
!!!asdoiruuonmbvnm,z.reywauieljdfkjnmz,vhueyriusadkbmvhuiysuielafjldksbvkjcyuairyeuiadfsjkalvmcsladfhuieyaiuroehwkdnl!!!! AND &^%#@@$$%^&**&^^%$$$%.'
And the angry words just kind of spill out. For a brief moment, I feel better. Then I put the lid back on, and my reserved self is back in control. Counselor-man has suggested that I might actually move somewhere in this whole grief thing if I'd go ahead and just say the angry things more often. Which I have been able to do. Some. A little. Ok, twice. Not enough.
Anyway, the point of all of that - writing helps. If I can't actually say the angry things, maybe writing about them would be a reasonable alternative? Writing helps me think through things - I can think of several times that I've started blogging, not really knowing why in the world I felt the way I did. But by the time I finished, I was able to see the 'what's going on behind it' stuff. Helpful.
So, Diary - you may be seeing more of me. But that's not why I'm talking to you today.
Later on today, I'm running my 3rd 5k. I started running at the very beginning of September, and I'm still running. Which is rather amazing, since I have never been athletic. Ever. Ask my parents. They would wholeheartedly agree. :-)
This 5k is taking place at night. The nature of this particular race isn't really 'competitive'. It's just fun. *I'll* be competitive. :-) I'll have the little running chip, and I'll want to know my time, and I'll have the MapMyRun app running on my phone during the race. But from what I hear, there are going to be 2500+ participants, and most of them are there for the fun. Here's the fun part. :-)
It's called 'The Running of the Balls' (yeah, it is). Part of the race takes place on a street that is beautifully decorated at Christmas time - Elam Street. It's gorgeous at night. I think it'll be kinda fun to run down that street. :-)
But this time - running this 5k - isn't really so much about the competitiveness. It's not really about beating my last 5k time. And it's not really about how pretty the street is at Christmas.
It's about my baby girl.
Throughout my pregnancy with her, I drove Elam St dozens of times. It was the way I took to get to my doctor's office. And Elam St is a pretty street anytime - not just at Christmas. Big beautiful old houses, huge trees, porches - it's just a pretty street. And I drove that street so many times last summer and early fall. Before 18 weeks, I remember driving down that street smiling, having just left my doctor's office, and having heard her little heartbeat - which made me so happy. :-) After 18 weeks, I remember sitting at a stoplight or two on that street, on my way to an appointment, being anxious about what I was about to hear from the doctor. I remember leaving appointments, driving down that street, just sobbing - because I'd heard that same beautiful heartbeat, and my heart was just broken that I was going to have to say goodbye to her FAR too soon.
I have memories on that street. I remember driving down that street with a friend or two who came to an appointment with me. I remember driving down that street with my mom after my last pre-hospitalization ultrasound. I remember feeling her kick and squirm. I have 'Elliana memories' on that street.
So tonight, I'm going to run that street. Sort of my Christmas thing to do 'with/for/because of her'. Which sort of doesn't make sense, but... *I* get it. This race doesn't benefit anything, it's not raising money for a cause - it's just... fun. And beautiful. I hope it'll be beautiful not only because of the Christmas lights, but in other ways, too. It helps to see the beautiful things that have come from her life. And I think 'me', Ella Belle's mama, now a runner, the person I'm becoming, *might* be one of those things?
Might be.
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