That Beautiful Street

Hey there, Diary.  It's been a while.  :-)

So many things to write about.  A counselor observed several weeks ago that I (and I'm probably not going to say this like he did) tend to keep a lid on my anger - and I'm still *pretty angry* about losing my daughter.  Every once in a while when this counselor and I are talking, he'll say something that stirs up that anger. And with him, I know it's 'safe' to go ahead and say the angry things.  So I'll (usually politely) interrupt him something like, 'You know, when you said ------, it made me think...

!!!asdoiruuonmbvnm,z.reywauieljdfkjnmz,vhueyriusadkbmvhuiysuielafjldksbvkjcyuairyeuiadfsjkalvmcsladfhuieyaiuroehwkdnl!!!!  AND &^%#@@$$%^&**&^^%$$$%.'

And the angry words just kind of spill out.  For a brief moment, I feel better.  Then I put the lid back on, and my reserved self is back in control.  Counselor-man has suggested that I might actually move somewhere in this whole grief thing if I'd go ahead and just say the angry things more often.  Which I have been able to do.  Some.  A little.  Ok, twice.  Not enough.

Anyway, the point of all of that - writing helps.  If I can't actually say the angry things, maybe writing about them would be a reasonable alternative?  Writing helps me think through things - I can think of several times that I've started blogging, not really knowing why in the world I felt the way I did.  But by the time I finished, I was able to see the 'what's going on behind it' stuff.  Helpful.

So, Diary - you may be seeing more of me.  But that's not why I'm talking to you today.

Later on today, I'm running my 3rd 5k.  I started running at the very beginning of September, and I'm still running.  Which is rather amazing, since I have never been athletic.  Ever.  Ask my parents.  They would wholeheartedly agree.  :-)

This 5k is taking place at night.  The nature of this particular race isn't really 'competitive'.  It's just fun.  *I'll* be competitive.  :-)  I'll have the little running chip, and I'll want to know my time, and I'll have the MapMyRun app running on my phone during the race.  But from what I hear, there are going to be 2500+ participants, and most of them are there for the fun.  Here's the fun part.  :-)

It's called 'The Running of the Balls' (yeah, it is).  Part of the race takes place on a street that is beautifully decorated at Christmas time - Elam Street.  It's gorgeous at night.  I think it'll be kinda fun to run down that street.  :-)

But this time - running this 5k - isn't really so much about the competitiveness.  It's not really about beating my last 5k time.  And it's not really about how pretty the street is at Christmas.

It's about my baby girl.

Throughout my pregnancy with her, I drove Elam St dozens of times.  It was the way I took to get to my doctor's office.  And Elam St is a pretty street anytime - not just at Christmas.  Big beautiful old houses, huge trees, porches - it's just a pretty street.  And I drove that street so many times last summer and early fall.  Before 18 weeks, I remember driving down that street smiling, having just left my doctor's office, and having heard her little heartbeat - which made me so happy.  :-)  After 18 weeks, I remember sitting at a stoplight or two on that street, on my way to an appointment, being anxious about what I was about to hear from the doctor.  I remember leaving appointments, driving down that street, just sobbing - because I'd heard that same beautiful heartbeat, and my heart was just broken that I was going to have to say goodbye to her FAR too soon.

I have memories on that street.  I remember driving down that street with a friend or two who came to an appointment with me.  I remember driving down that street with my mom after my last pre-hospitalization ultrasound.  I remember feeling her kick and squirm.  I have 'Elliana memories' on that street.

So tonight, I'm going to run that street.  Sort of my Christmas thing to do 'with/for/because of her'.  Which sort of doesn't make sense, but... *I* get it.  This race doesn't benefit anything, it's not raising money for a cause - it's just... fun.  And beautiful.  I hope it'll be beautiful not only because of the Christmas lights, but in other ways, too.  It helps to see the beautiful things that have come from her life.  And I think 'me', Ella Belle's mama, now a runner, the person I'm becoming, *might* be one of those things?

Might be.