Maybe I'm not really afraid of the answers. I think I'm more afraid of peoples' attempts at answers.
Questions.
Like, why do I long to play and sing, when I'm angry with the One I want to play and sing for?
Why does He seem... silent?
Why do I just*want*to*throw*things? Across the room, at brick walls, at the tv, at my computer screen, and especially at people?
Why do I get so flippin' angry when I read or hear something like 'Praise God! He answered my prayer!'
I know the answer to the last one, or at least part of the answer. This is what goes through my mind when I read/hear things like that: 'He answered my prayer, too. And He said no. To the life of my daughter. He said no.'
And I'm not in a place where I can offer a great big, happy 'Praise God! He answered my prayer!' for that.
I think I'll quit before I write something I might have to delete later. :-)
It just isn't fair.
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog for about 10 months, and I think you are an incredibly courageous woman. I do, however, beg to differ with you about your interpretation of the answer to your prayer. In my interpretation, He didn't say "no"; the precious not-long-enough moments with your daughter were a tremendous gift, and He gave your daughter eternal life. I firmly believe she is always watching, and knowing that you have boundless love for her. Your faith is strong, and it is not unreasonable to be questioning. We will never get all the answers until we are called home.
ReplyDeleteKeep blogging, knowing that you are helping many others as they grieve.
Thanks for commenting - it always helps to hear from people. Sometimes, it's a little scary to just put my heart out there on the internet for the whole world to peek into. :-)
DeleteYou're right - the hours I had with her were a gift. I am so grateful to have had that time with her, to have known her and held her for her too-short time on this Earth. I will *always* treasure those hours. I re-live them on the 5th and 6th of every month, as weird as that may sound.
I agree with you - she has eternal life - she has been healed and made whole, and she will never suffer again.
My prayer had been that she would *live*. That she would survive birth, and that she would be a fighter. My prayer had been that I would get to take her home and care for her, whether she was 'healthy' or 'broken'. I asked Him if He would let me care for her, take her to doctors' appointments, do therapy with her - do all of the things that you do with a special needs child. I would have done it. I wanted to do it. I begged Him to please let me do it.
To those things, His answer was 'no'.
He did give me time with her - precious time. In my womb, and on my chest. I am so very grateful for that time with her. :-)
Shannon, I am very glad that you are still writing and being vulnerable enough to share your heart and your struggle. It is good for me to share this walk with you. I feel a little less insane when I come and visit here:) If I lived close enough I'd give you a hug and we'd cry together until the praise did come.
ReplyDeleteI won't try to be one of "those" who has any answers for you. I don't think there are any easy answers, and I don't even think that we were meant to know them right now. Scripture tells us that God has called us to walk by faith, not sight in this world. But I will encourage you to continue seeking the One who does have the answers. I have found in grief that there are so many voices, and so much expectation, that it gets harder and harder to decipher God's voice sometimes. Focus on Jesus, let Him be your example.
I haven't experienced very much anger yet, although I have had the sudden urge to tear out a summer kitchen worth of lathe and plaster, plus destroy an old falling down shed this past week, which has maybe been my "throwing" stage:) Swinging that hammer felt pretty good!
God will bring the praise in your sould when He's ready for you to be there. Obviously He is working out your salvation and sanctification in a different way than you expected. He is like that, always reminding us that His ways are different, above and beyond ours.
In Isaiah 29:13 the Lord says, "These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me."
Honesty is better than lip service. Let God search out your heart, and be prepared to honestly evaluate what He reveals to you there. Then give it all to Him and allow Him to make it glorious. Remember, every sin has been paid for on the cross through the blood of Jesus. Allow the praise to pour from your lips for that even if you can't find anything else right now.
One day at a time, dear one, even one moment at a time is enough to handle right now. Remember that God is bottling up all of your tears and preparing an eternal glory that is not even worth comparing to these trials. This is a hard, hard walk that He has called you to. But you're walking it. Take every step closer to Him.