The Belly
My dear, sweet friend, Beth, took some photos this on Sunday when I was exactly 30 weeks. She's such a gifted photographer (Light of Mine Photography - she captures people so beautifully), but her friendship and the grief we have shared over the past months made these pictures even more special than they already are.
This is my favorite...
Our first family pic with all 7 of us...
Aren't they all so sweet? They look like they love her so much.
Another great family pic...
You can actually see Elliana sucking her thumb in this one - love it. :-)
But I think my tummy looks HUGE in this pic.
I love them all. But they make me cry.
The Crappiest Pregnant Moment(s)
'Crappy' is not the right word to describe these moments. I'm not real sure what the right word is.
Instead of thinking about how to rearrange Missy's bedroom to make room for her new sister, I'm thinking about things like this: if she dies in the hospital, do I really want the nurses to bring me the clothes that she was wearing so I can keep them as momentos? I don't think I could send her to a funeral home with no clothes on. As ridiculous as it sounds, I don't want her to be cold.
Instead of picking out crib bedding, Jason and I are beginning to think about picking a funeral home.
And instead of trying to figure out how to seat all 5 of our kids in the van (with 3 car seats, 1 booster seat, and only 1 in a 'regular' seat), we're trying to decide where to bury our little girl.
Tears, and more tears.
The Happiest Pregnant Moment(s)
When a friend saw me and remarked how cute it is that my belly button is sticking out. That made me smile.
And it still brings a smile to my face when I feel Elliana kick against my hand.
The Cravings
Margaritas. But I can't have those.
The Little Princess
She has quiet days and active days. I worry about her a lot on her quiet days. I get Jason to talk to her, or I start poking around on my tummy to get her to wake up. Sometimes it takes her a while, but she does wake up - usually when I'm ready to go to bed. :-)
The Big Sibs
Levi went with me to a consignment sale, saw a white, frilly bassinet, and said it would be a great bed for Elliana. Yes, sweet boy, it would. BUT - if we get to bring her home, I doubt she'll be sleeping in anything but my arms or on her daddy's chest. And if we have to put her down for some reason, there's a cradle that was built about 36+ years ago by her Granddaddy's own hands, waiting to rock her.
Seth and Missy more frequently refer to 'the baby in there'.
Elijah... (sigh)... is becoming more sensitive to me. A month ago, if he saw me crying or puffy-eyed, he'd ask 'Why is Mommy crying?' But a few days ago, he just followed his daddy's lead, came over to me, and hugged me. And not just a quick hug. Which made me cry more. But sort of in a good way.
Lbs: Pre-preggo weight +3.
Upcoming Events and Appointments This Week
I had my last 'planning' appointment at Kids Path yesterday.
The birth plan is done. Seeing it all typed up, waiting for my signature just made it feel so... final. This is really happening. Her birthday is going to come. And then the 'count-up' begins - the number of hours or days we have with her. This is actually happening.
Kate had contacted 3 funeral homes and typed up some information for Jason and me took look over. I couldn't even look at the piece of paper. She handed it to me, and without looking down at it, I took it and put it under my copies of the birth plan. Jason and I will look at it together sometime.
She told me about a few cemeteries, and apparently the prettiest of the two cemeteries in Lexington has a questionable reputation for being sensitive to families who are burying children. Kate asked me if our church has a cemetery, and it doesn't. I think it would be 'easier' (?) to bury her at a church. A church isn't just a place of death - it's a place of life. People gather there every week. She wouldn't be with a whole bunch of other dead people all the time. (Even though I know - she won't really 'be' there. I know.) And a church is a place where people gather to sing together. For some reason, thinking about that helps me. I'm sort of wishing we were one of those families whose relatives all lived on the same 10 acres, and whose family had been attending the same old church (with a cemetery) for generations. We may just have to find a church that would let us bury our baby girl there.
Then we talked about hospice options, if we're able to bring Elliana home. We don't have any specific options yet, and the place that Kids Path is associated with only works with families in that county, not ours. So, Kate is going to make a few more phone calls for me (God bless that woman) so we can pick a place ahead of time. Then the doctor will be able to make a referral
Too many heavy, heavy things. And 36 hours later, it's still so much on my mind. And still feels so incredibly heavy. Which explains why I can't bring myself to write an 'upbeat' 30 weeks post.
I'll try again next week. :-)
Your pictures are beautiful! She did a great job.
ReplyDeleteYou're not the only one craving a margarita...if only a sip. :) Thinking of you!
Dear Shannon,
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine recently sent me a link to the "making of M.O.M" blog recently and from there I was led to yours. Your story is nauseatingly familiar to me. Last October, at my 20 week ultrasound, we were told that our third little boy had a developmental defect that would most likely result in extremely poor lung development. Children with his condition have a less than 5% survival rate. When William was born last March, it became quickly apparent that his lungs had, indeed, not developed well enough to support life. He lived for about 6 hours after he was born. I am so sorry and sad that you are having to walk this road!
I know the heartache of grieving the loss of a baby before they are even born and of a pregnancy robbed of (at least some of) it's joy. I have found grief to be a lonely process and it always helps me to meet others who have experienced similar circumstances, so I just wanted to encourage you that you are not alone. Also, I have many resources (books for grownups and kids - our 2 older boys are 3 and 6) that I have found helpful and would be glad to share with you.
I also will apologize in advance for giving very unsolicited advice, but it seems like you are in a stage of making many decisions and there are a couple of things I wish someone had told me before we went to the hospital, so here goes... First, I would really encourage you to bring your older children to the hospital to meet their little sister. Our boys had to wake up in the middle of the night to come and we were really questioning our own wisdom in doing this... but it was an amazing experience to be together as a family of 5 for a little while and I think it really solidified our big boys' understanding of the situation and ability to see William as a permanent part of our family. The time we had together will always be a cherished memory for the four of us and our 3 year old, especially, loves to look at pictures of himself holding and kissing his little brother.
(Part 2)
ReplyDeleteSecond, have you heard of the organization Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep? https://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/ They are a wonderful group of professional photographers that work for FREE for families in our situation. They even came at 2 am, dressed professionally and spent as much time as we wanted. The photographs were absolutely beautiful and are such a precious keepsake for us. The NICU nurses arranged everything for us on the fly, but not sure what your hospital is like, so you could probably contact NILMDTS in advance, since you will know the date you will need them.
And finally, because you mentioned this in your last post, I wanted to let you know that for legal reasons (at least in our state), they are not ALLOWED to send a body to a funeral home with clothes on (this sounds so clinical- I am so sorry!!). I, too, was concerned about this, and so left William's clothes on him when they came to take him away, assuming he would simply "meet" us at the F.H. dressed as we had left him. I found out the hard way when I opened up my "memory box" from the hospital the next day, only to discover his outfit in there! It was VERY upsetting. I asked the nurse about it and she explained that they are legally required to do it that way. :'( Don't know if it is that way in every state, but I wanted to warn you of that possibility so you are not facing a shock at the hospital.
I am so very, very sorry that you are going through all of this. I will pray that you never need the above information, because you are able to take Elianna HOME and she does much better than Dr's are predicting. They might know a lot, but they don't know everything!
William's "birthday verse" is Proverbs 3 5-6 (he lived from March 5-6): "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will direct your paths." I keep preaching this verse to myself over and over. I will NEVER understand all of the why's of William's life and death, because I am flawed and finite, but our God is still TRUSTWORTHY, and he will direct our paths. Praying for your trust to remain in him.
I would be happy to answer questions/be a listening empathetic ear either now or at any point in the future. Let me know if you can't email me through the link and I'll send you my address somehow. Please feel free to contact me anytime.
Love in Christ,
Alison Wall
PS Sorry this is so long for a "comment" - couldn't figure out how to send you an email from your blog.
Shannon, love your pictures. They are beautiful!
ReplyDeletePraying, praying, praying for your family and Little Elliana. God is the Great Physician!
Beth B.
Shannon, I have been hesitant to comment on here, but I've been reading for awhile. I'm one of Hayley's friends. My daughter lived two weeks. Just wanted to address the clothing issue. The laws must differ by state (and Alison, I am SO sorry for your experience -- such an awful surprise). After my daughter passed, they put a beautiful little pink smocked gown on her and took a number of pictures. When it was time to take her to the funeral home (which my husband was able to do because of her size, I think), they took off that dress and gave it to us to keep. They put her in another gown to go to the funeral home for her cremation. We also got the blanket she was wrapped in when she died, the blanket she was wrapped in after they had extubated her and cleaned off her face, and the blanket they swaddled her in the next day when my parents visited her (I gave the 3rd blanket to my mom). So definitely find out what the laws are in NC, and then perhaps plan on an outfit for your final moments with Elliana, and then another one for transport?
ReplyDeleteThese are horrible, awful decisions that no one should have to make. You don't know me, but I love you, and I am praying for you daily.
Hey Shannon,
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that I finally found your blog! I've been praying for you ever since I found out about your little one a few months ago. I'm so sorry that you have to walk this road. It's something no mother should ever have to face. I'm thankful that you're getting lots of good advice (I echo everything Allison said above). I wish I had thought thru more of the "hard stuff" before Matthew died because I felt very unprepared and I have lots of regrets... not that you can get thru something like this with no regrets, but it helps to know as much beforehand as possible.
I just want to leave you with your own advice. This is something you wrote on my blog right after Matthew died - "You are free to feel however you need to feel - angry, sad, confused, livid, questioning everything, struggling with hope or faith. It's ok. Your Father's love for you won't change. Don't feel like you need to put on a face for anyone - it's ok if you don't feel that Christian 'joy' for a while. And Jesus' reputation is not at stake - your struggling and/or grieving is not going to ruin Jesus' reputation - He can handle it. And when you're wondering if you even have any faith at all, just remember that there are lots of people who love you - and they have faith FOR you right now. You will probably never know the answers to the 'whys'. But there is something you can be completely certain of - Matthew was created for a purpose. A specific purpose - God made him for a reason. And that purpose is being fulfilled RIGHT NOW. His life and death were NOT for the sole purpose of teaching you some valuable lesson, although losing him will change you forever. Matthew is doing exactly what he was created to do - at this very moment."
You don't know how helpful those words were to me at the time, so I just want to repeat them back to you. God has made Elliana for a purpose and He will walk you thru this!
Much love,
Julia
What beautiful photographs! And yes, your tummy looks huge, but gloriously so.
ReplyDelete