I made myself go to Bible study this morning. Partly because Seth and Levi need some structure and routine in their weeks. And partly because I knew if I stayed home, I'd cry all morning. So... I went.
Levi was excited. He's not in preschool, so the CBS children's program will be as much of a classroom experience as he'll get. And it will be really good - I'm confident of that.
Seth - well, he wasn't quite so excited. He cried when I left, BUT stopped after about a minute - shocking. And Seth is in the 2-year-old class this year - they sing, hear a Bible story, color, play in the gym, play with playdoh. It will be so good for him.
Me - I was not at all excited. I was the exact opposite of excited. Whatever that is.
In fact, I couldn't walk into the building by myself. My Heartstrings support mom match (who I met a few nights ago), just 'happens' to be going to CBS this year. It's her first year. And she's in my core group. I know that's not a coincidence, but I'm not fond of talking about God's soveriegnty these days, so we'll just leave it at that. It's not a coincidence.
The other night, this support mom told me she'd be my 'wingman' today at CBS. I could use a wingman 24/7 right now - someone who knows me right now. Who knows where I am, what I want to avoid, what I dread, what will make me cry, what will make me angry - even if they can do nothing to stop it, at least someone knows. I guess that person is usually Jason. But since Jason can't be with me 24/7, it helps to have a couple others. Well, Wingman K was 'it' today - she stayed with me all morning. (Thank you, K. :-) )
It's difficult to describe exactly what goes on in my head when I'm in a group. Especially since the appointment yesterday, most of what people say takes me longer to process. I can hear the words coming out of their mouths, but it's like I have to replay them in my head before it makes sense to me. Bizarre, I know. Much of what the doctor said is a blur right now - I wish I had recorded it. So this morning in my core group, most of what I heard never went past my ears. Some of it did. And when it did, I had to tell myself to stop thinking - so I wouldn't cry.
Good grief, I exhaust myself.
My motto for the morning: Don't think. Avoid eye contact. Just. Don't. Think.
I excused myself to the restroom when I happened to catch a glimpse of the next discussion questions. List, honestly, the fears and anxieties that are troubling you. And what is the spiritually smart thing to do when you are fearful or anxious?
Honestly? I'm anxious over what those first few hours of my daughter's life will look like. I'm afraid she will die. I'm afraid I'll have to watch her die. I'm afraid I'll have to bury her. I'm afraid I will never be the same again. I'm afraid of what this will do to Elijah. And so much more.
And the spiritually smart thing to do? Spiritually smart. Really?
Seth didn't make it in his class the entire time. He did well for a little over an hour, then the mommy-itis took over. He worked his pitiful little Seth-charm for about 20 minutes before they gave in and brought him to me. But I must say - I was so happy to see him. He was a welcome relief from... myself. He distracted me. Made me play with him. Kissing his fingers and elbows. Don't remember the last time I was so thankful that my Seth is so clingy.
I made it through the morning. The first 1/3 of the very long day that was today.
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