The 'Other World' in Which I Occasionally Live

I think I'm nearing the end of one of 'those' weeks.

The kind where I live in a world that's somehow 'removed' from reality.

It's been one of those weeks where I drive past the cemetery exit and think, 'How is it that I have a child buried only a couple miles from here?  Did all of that - last summer, October 5, October 6 -  actually happen?'

The kind of week where I take the kids to the pool almost every day and have actual conversations - like, more than 'Hey how are ya' - with people.  People I haven't seen in a year.  Or people I've just met.

It's been the kind of week where I have big projects to work on, and I've gotten sucked into my computer.  Microsoft Word and Vistaprint have been my companions this week.

The kind of week where I ignore my new friend.  Because in *this* world (the one I've been living in this week), I can't relate to her at all.  I couldn't possibly have gone through what she's going through.

The kind of week where I can breathe easier.  And it doesn't hurt quite so deeply.

But even in this kind of week, no matter how distracted or 'removed' I am from reality, there are reminders.  Even if they're not *Elliana* reminders.  Like - the invitation to a girls night out that I ignored because... well, because going out with a bunch of girls stresses me out.  Girls (moms) talk about kids.  They talk about babies.  They talk about nursing.  They share birth stories.  I have several birth stories.  But my most recent one - the most painful one - I can't share at a 'girls night out'.  

Reminders - like trying to help my husband coordinate a youth trip.  I used to be so good at things like that.  And now, I'm terrible at it.  Communicating with people overwhelms me.

And I. Just. Suck. At. Mommying. right now.  I'm impatient.  Short-tempered.  I wish the kids would just quit arguing, cooperate, clean the house, and fix their own meals.  This mommy right here is certainly not in any mood to lovingly serve her family.  *This* mommy would like to sit behind a piano all day.  I feel the need to get AWAY far more than I 'should'.  And I do get away - Jason is so good to let me get away when I really need to.  But 'getting away' isn't an opportunity to re-energize.  It's not R&R, so that  I can come home feeling refreshed and ready to take on the kids.  Getting away - right now, 'getting away' is giving attention to grief.  Something that *demands* attention, but gets so little when I'm just living life.  Getting away is giving attention to my daughter.  The one who's gone.

'Miss Congeniality' is on.  For some reason, I can relate to Gracie Hart really well tonight.  Not sure if it's the 'feeling completely out of place in a world that's normal to everyone else' or the 'just give me a gun and let me shoot something' thing.

Or both.  :-)