I remember so many moments of October 6, 2012 - 9 months ago today. There are some parts of the day that are 'fuzzy' - I think because I may not have actually slept the night before, and I think I was also on pain meds because of the surgery. But there are so many moments I remember vividly.
But... a year ago today, I can't remember at all. July 3, 2012 is etched in stone on my brain. And much of July 4 is as well. But July 5, July 6 - I remember my mom came. She stayed for a few days. I asked her to come.
But I don't remember anything about them.
Mom, what did we do? Did I do anything? Say anything? Did you just take care of the kids while I existed? Or did I participate in life?
I can't remember.
I think sometimes our bodies and minds work to protect us from things. The function of shock, for example. Maybe there are some things we don't need to be conscious of, to remember now, or later, or never.
ReplyDeleteIt's ok that you can't remember.
Happy 9 months, dear Elliana.
:-)
DeleteI was just listening to a story on the radio about the brain, and the enzymes and other chemicals that our bodies produce. They talked about post traumatic stress disorder. They talked about alzheimer's. A few months after Nathaniel died, I lost my car. I parked it on a street, walked to another street, ran some errands, and then could not find my car again. It took me 45 minutes of just wandering around.
ReplyDeleteMy brain has definitely changed. My memory is affected. My nervous system is completely different. It makes sense to me that you can't remember. But I don't know why it makes sense. I guess I can just relate.
It helps that you can relate. I hate that you can relate - I wish neither of us were in this place of even being ABLE to relate. But... it helps to not be alone - to not feel completely insane. :-)
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