Yesterday, I thought it might be 'time'. I knew I'd have a few free hours this morning, so I tried to find a 'safe' place for glass smashing.
I had a plan - a friend offered for me to throw all these bottles at their house. But I was SO afraid that I would miss some of the glass in cleaning up, and that a child or animal would get hurt.
So... I asked a couple people. Friends who know the area or have connections. No luck.
I've considered going to the police department to ask if there's a building I could use, but I've been too afraid they'd send me straight to the psych ward.
Then I remembered that I know the city fire marshal. So I went over to his office, sat down across from him, and said: 'You're going to think I'm crazy. But do you happen to know of a building that I could use for breaking a whole lot of glass bottles, and NOT get arrested?'
He had a connection to someone who works for someone who owns an empty brick warehouse.
By 8:30pm last night, I had a plan.
And last night, I felt 'good' about the plan. Sort of.
This morning, when I woke up and the weight of today hit me, I wasn't as sure about the plan. I think I needed to go and throw all the bottles. But I was really scared to.
I don't want to analyze it too much. That's exhausting. But I was scared to actually go and throw/break/smash all the bottles. It was a really big deal. And it was really personal. And I was afraid of it. Really afraid of it.
But... this morning, I gathered some things and put them in the van. The glass bottles, an empty plastic bin, a broom, a dustpan, socks and tennis shoes (because flip flops and broken glass don't mix), goggles (because my hubby and a sweet friend were worried about my eyes), an ikea bag, and... a cold beer. Not sure exactly why I threw that in the box, but I'm glad I did.
On my way to the warehouse, I came to an intersection that has recently transitioned from being a 'no left turn' intersection to a 'go ahead and turn left' intersection. I got to the light, it was green - no oncoming traffic - so I went ahead and turned. It was only after I started turning that I noticed the 'NO LEFT TURN' sign BACK ON THE STOP LIGHT POLE.
WHAT THE HECK?!!!????
That intersection is only 2 blocks from the police department. I was certain that I was about to get pulled over, me and my 50 empty beer and wine bottles. Which, I was certain, would lead to a whole lot of questions. And who knows what else.
Thankfully, the police were busy elsewhere. :-)
Once I got to the warehouse, I unloaded my bottles, broom and goggles, and changed my shoes. A sweet friend parked and waited outside - this warehouse wasn't exactly in a great part of town.
But it was the perfect warehouse. Vacant. Dripping water. Right next to a railroad track. The dissonant sound of the train's whistle was almost like background 'music' at times.
I'm not sure how much I want to blog about this. Nothing I want to 'hide', but... I'm not sure how much I want to say. Not sure how much I can say - it's difficult to put into words.
I can say this - I took one picture today. I took a 'before' picture. I think I may post that one. I didn't take an 'after' picture. I thought about it, and I didn't want to.
This was 'before'.
I threw the first couple bottles at the brick wall. They bounced off the wall and shattered on the concrete floor. Then I just started throwing the bottles at the floor.
It made a huge mess.
I cried. Sat down on the ikea bag. Drank the beer. Cried. Threw that bottle.
I'm really glad I brought that cold beer, by the way - partly because it just felt 'right'. Partly because it was really hot in that warehouse.
I threw all but one bottle. I'm not sure why I didn't throw the last one. But I didn't want to leave without one bottle intact.
Last time I threw a bottle, I started to feel better only after I started sweeping up the mess.
This time, I didn't want to clean up the mess. I just wanted it to be... a mess. A very big, ugly, broken mess.
My heart is broken. My life feels broken. I'm broken.
And *she* was broken.
It's all so symbolic.
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