Glass

I blog more on hard days.

Not all days are hard.  Some are manageable.  Some days are so busy that I don't have enough time to let the weight of grief feel so heavy.  Some days I laugh more, get more done, can breathe easier.  It's always there - the weight of grief - but some days, it's just kind of like... background noise, maybe?

Most days, I can stay out of the big black hole, and stay afloat.

But the past few days, the big black hole won.

This morning, Jason took all the kids out for a couple hours.  I had a list a mile long of things I could have done.  But I'm finding that when I have 'down time', I usually wind up not being able to decide what to do, and then I start thinking.  And then crying.  It's just a great big downward spiral.

I did manage to get one load of clothes out of the dryer, and another load started.  I sat down on the steps to try to decide what to do next.  I started thinking.  And the thinking did not go in the direction of what to do next.  My thoughts went to Elliana.

And then the tears started.

Then, I realized I'd been sitting there for 15 minutes, just thinking (and crying).

And then, I got angry.  *Really* angry.

Remember that desire I've had to throw something?  Yeah.  Desire became reality today.

I remembered an empty beer bottle we had in the recycling bin at the top of the steps.

I went and got the beer bottle.

I went through my basement door into the driveway.

I walked (And that's not nearly a strong enough word, by the way - what's stronger than 'walking'?  Marching?  Whatever it was, it was very purposeful.) around the great big bin holding all of the kids' riding toys.

Just looked up the word 'throw' in the virtual thesaurus.  My favorite synonyms are bold.

THROW  (throh)

Part of Speech:  verb

Definition:  propel something through the air

Synonyms:  bandy, barrage, bombard, buck, bunt, butt, cant, cast, catapult, chuck, dash, deliver, discharge, dislodge, drive, fell, fire, flick, fling, fling off, flip, floor, force, heave, hurl, impel, lapidate, launch, letfly, let go, lift, lob, overturn, overwhelm, peg, pellet, pelt, pepper, pitch, precipitate, project, push, put, scatter, send, shove, shower, shy, sling, splatter, spray, sprinkle, start, stone, strew, thrust, toss, tumble, unhorse, unseat, upset, volley, waft

Then I heaved/catapulted/launched that beer bottle at the brick wall.

It made the best sound EVER.  And it shattered into so many pieces.  And the pieces went everywhere. 

Then I sat down in the driveway and cried.

I didn't actually feel better until I got the broom and dustpan, and started sweeping up the broken glass. Once I started sweeping, I felt like I could breathe again.  Breaking that glass bottle helped.

And I wanted more.  I wanted to break more, shatter more, make a bigger mess.

I wanted to go upstairs and get some of my breakable dishes.  But, I do have to think somewhat practically.  I do have children who play in and walk through the driveway a lot.  I do have to think about keeping the driveway safe, and not only of using it for anger management and creating a pool of broken glass.