Weeping Willow

I went to a wedding yesterday.  One of my piano students got married.  I feel really old.  :-)

I don't purposefully look for Elliana in every situation or circumstance I'm in.  I do have special ways of remembering her.  Like my yellow purse.  Or the 2 calendars in my house that are still hanging on the October 2012 page.  I do seek ways to remember her.  And honor her place in our family, even though she's not living in our home.

Sometimes, when I'm least expecting it, she's just there - or rather, the heaviness of her absence is just there.

Like at the wedding yesterday.  I really wasn't expecting the wedding to be difficult, except for having to be in a large group of people.

But when 'dad' was giving the bride away, Elliana's absence, and her absence 20+ years from now, was just staring me in the face.

After the ceremony, there was a pre-reception.  I didn't intend to stay, but I had to walk through the pre-reception area to get to the parking lot.  I stopped at a sweet display of photos of the bride and groom, just to look for a minute.  Another couple, who buried their oldest child a few (?) years ago, came over to the photo display.  I haven't talked to this couple in months - maybe even years.  But when they came over and said 'hey' to me, I *think* I saw a great deal of compassion.  And understanding.  It was on their faces, and in their voices.  Even in just that one word.  Things like that just... help.

The wedding took place only a few minutes from the cemetery, so when I left the wedding, I stopped at the cemetery for a few minutes.

Something's been bothering me the last few times I've gone to the cemetery.  One of our neighbor's (not Baby Boy, who was buried just a week after Elliana) has some new flowers.  I have issues with the new flowers.

They're really big.  Like, way too tall for that little vase, which means they're leaning to the side.  Guess which way they're leaning.  And these are tiny plots, just big enough for babies, so they're really close together.

And they're 'cascading' kinds of flowers.  Which means that they're cascading almost on Elliana's flowers and stone.

I've tried 'fixing' the too-tall, cascading flowers - trying to get them to cascade closer to the 'correct' stone.  And they're fine when I leave the cemetery, but when I go back, there they are - crowding the only place on this Earth I can claim as my little girl's.

Yesterday, when I drove up and saw those &$!# cascading flowers invading my territory, and feeling the affects of several days in the big black hole, I just about lost it.  But when I got out of the car and knelt down to touch Elliana's stone, I was able to 'see' the neighbor's flowers differently.  At that moment, the cascading flowers reminded me of a weeping willow.  They sort of looked like flowing tears.

And all of a sudden, they became a picture of compassion.

When I left the cemetery, I didn't have any more issues with the cascade.  I love it.  And I'll be sad when that neighbor has new flowers.