Thoughts are turning like a storm in my head - just can't sort them all out.
Do 'stages of grief' (I hate the stages of grief - makes me feel like I'm living out a formula) repeat themselves over and over and over again? Because I'm back in that ADD/can't-focus-on-anything mode.
Even in trying to write, I can't focus on the computer screen. Or finish a thought.
***OK, I give up. I've started writing this post three or four times now, and it's just not working.
Maybe tomorrow.
What got me *here*?
Perhaps it was the couple sitting across the aisle from me at a school recital tonight. Or rather, their baby girl. Partway through the recital, 'mom' walked in and quietly took the aisle seat next to her husband. I never actually looked at them, but out of the corner of my eye, I could tell that the baby, probably five or six months old, had fallen asleep on her mother's chest.
And it made that empty space on my chest feel so very heavy.
It's such an empty space, and the fullness in your heart from the love you and Elliana share just isn't the same, and doesn't make up for it.
ReplyDeleteI do think "stages" can get stuck, and repeat, and occur in random order. Grief is messy.
Sending hugs.
And you don't get to feel her weight as a 5 or 6 month old girl. Just knowing the first 2 lb, 11 oz. So tiny. Thinking of you all day today.
ReplyDeleteI do think we cycle through different stages of grief. The grief counselor I've been seeing sort of poo-poo's the stages of grief. It's certainly not linear. I've been having clumsy/spacey days again lately, too.
ReplyDeletehugs,
Burning Eye
it's funny...i was wondering exactly the same thing for exactly the same reasons. i've gotten spacey, trail off in the middle of speaking without realizing i'm doing it and find myself getting really irritable. i thought i was already done with those stages. guess not.
ReplyDeletei just wanted to send you hugs and warmth. may the spinning thoughts slow and the heaviness lighten at least a little bit.