Loved

Life is hell right now, but... we feel very loved.

We are surrounded by family and friends who are loving us so well. 

I can even see evidence of our Heavenly Father's love for us.  Even though I'm beginning to wonder (in a somewhat angry sort of way) why in the world He did this.

Back to the family and friends...

Our families have been so supportive over the past several weeks.  Several family members were able to meet Elliana.  My sisters made sure she had something beautiful and warm to be buried in.  They loved her so well, and in turn, loved me well. 

My parents and siblings have taken care of our kids, fed them, and made sure their needs were met.  Someone replaced several burned out light bulbs in our house.  And someone even hung a new curtain in our kitchen.  They cleaned my house and made my bedroom a sanctuary to come home to. They loved me well.

We have received so many sweet cards.  It's such a thoughtful thing to do - to put a card in the mail.  Someone wrote a poem for Elliana.  Others have told us about how our little girl's short life has been a testimony to them.  So many sweet cards.  Even one from my brother's 11th grade class.  So many people praying for us and letting us know that we're on their minds - they are loving us well.

On the day of Elliana's funeral, we were so grateful for all of the hugs.  Friends from college - several friends who drove a distance - came to hug us and tell us how sorry they were.  Teachers from Missy's school - last year's teachers, this year's teachers, and her principal.  A few new friends - people I barely know - but who I'm certain have prayed for us.  Some friends even signed their kids out of school early so they could come.  Friends from church, friends from Bible study.  A couple of friends who have buried a child of their own.  We were loved well.

Several men gave up an afternoon of work to come and lead worship at the funeral.  Some sacrificed quite a chunk of time to prepare and set up for it.  Some went out of their way to make sure I had a discreetly placed piano to play.  Some gave of their time to run sound.  Others gave their time to watch our kids during the service.  They loved us well.

And meals - so many meals.  People have been cooking for us for weeks now.  Friends down the street, friends and family who live hours away.  They have gone out of their way to help by providing a meal - and let me tell you, it helps tremendously.  Feeding our family - relieving this one daily chore several times throughout the week - is loving us well.

My sweet friend, Lisa, has asked, more than once, if she can bring us anything.  In fact, a few people have offered to do that.  Lisa brought over a gallon of Sunny D (Jason's version of 'orange juice') one night when we were completely out, and then played with a couple of our kids for a while.  Loving us well.

And then, there are two particular ways I can see my Father's love for me in the timing of Elliana's birth.  I'll probably never be able to say something like, 'I'm thankful that she was born so prematurely.  Otherwise, ??? and ??? would not have happened.'  I'm not glad she came so early.  I'm not thankful that she died when she did.

But...

If her death was inevitable no matter when she entered the world, then I am thankful for these two things.

1 - My friend, Beth, was able to be at the hospital to photograph Elliana's few hours of life.  Beth is one of my dearest friends.  And she's also a very gifted photographer.  In the days preceding Elliana's birth, the doctors were saying that, all circumstances considered, they'd like to see her stay put until 34 weeks.  At 34 weeks, they would probably have delivered her, just because the benefits outweighed the risks by that point.  But at 34 weeks (tomorrow), Beth would have been out of town. 

I'm thankful that Beth was here the night Elliana was born.  She loved me so well.  She wept with me.  She gave me a collection of photos that I will cherish forever. 

2 - Our friends, Jeremy and Gina, were also here.  They were able to be a part of the most difficult time we have ever been through.  They were able to weep with us.  Jeremy was able to perform her funeral.  They left for Japan 2 days ago.  If we had made it to 34 weeks (tomorrow), they would have been gone.  I know that they would have grieved with us from Japan had they not been here for her birth, but it helped to have them physically with us. 

And I know that Jeremy and Gina are still grieving with us - loving us from across the world.

There are probably so many other ways that we have been loved well that are not coming to mind right now.  I know God's ways are much higher than mine, and I can't even begin to see all that He has orchestrated to love us so well.  And I'll confess:  I live most of the time as if I don't want to see all that He has orchestrated.  Because it is so incredibly difficult for me to reconcile these two truths - that He ordained this, and that He is good.