31 weeks, 4 days - My Babies

*The medical update:  Still having contractions.  I'll have them for a period of time about 2 minutes apart.  Then they stop.  Then for a while longer at 5 minutes apart.  Enough to keep me within these 4 walls.  :-(   I don't think I posted that we decided to go ahead with a steroid treatment that will help Elliana's lung development - it was 2 shots, 24 hours apart.  As of 6pm this evening, the steroids are doing their best work and will continue to help her for the next couple of weeks.  The downside to that - I've experienced a couple side effects from the steroids.  Nothing awful, but my cheeks were BEET RED for a while, and I was short of breath for most of the afternoon today.  Most of it seems to have subsided. 

On to my babies...

I haven't seen my kiddos since Monday night, and I'm really missing them.  Levi and Elijah have both had a stomach bug the last couple of days, so they really can't come see me right now.  Can't risk bringing the germs near all the mommies and babies here at the hospital.  But I miss them.  I got to talk to 3 of them on the phone tonight, and by the time I got to Seth, it took everything I had to not sob through our 'conversation'.  Both Levi and Elijah asked me when I was coming home.  Elijah accepted my 'I really don't know, Honey' pretty well, but Levi actually suggested days that I should come back.  'When are you coming home, Mommy?  Friday?  Sunday?'  I told him maybe he could come see me on Saturday, and now I'm afraid he'll pester Jason to death about Saturday.  Missy was already in bed - hoping to hear her sweet little voice tomorrow. 

It's so hard to be here, knowing that it's best for me and Elliana, but knowing that my other babies are so far away.  And I can't do anything for them.  I know they are well taken care of.  My mom and hubby are doing great and loving them well.  But I miss their smiles, their laughs, even their mischief.  And even Seth following me around, begging for 'Up, pees!' as I try to go to the bathroom without him hanging onto my legs.  That never works, by the way.

And my other baby - the one here with me.  Her heartbeat has been like music in the background most of the day.  When she starts squirming around, the monitor makes this weird noise, and that's not quite as musical.  :-)  But she's had a quiet day - not moving around as much.  She was busier yesterday.  I think she must have worn herself out.

I realized this evening that all of this time here in the hospital without the 'music' of my other children in the background is giving me more time to focus just on Elliana.  My ear tunes into the monitor when I shift positions in bed and 'lose' her heartbeat.  I'm aware of how often she kicks these probe thingies on my tummy, and I wish that I could just take them off and feel her with my hand.  I have more pictures of her from ultrasounds this week - the tech printed out about ten 3D/4D pics for me, so now I'm getting to study her face.  She reminds me so much of Seth.

I'm so torn.  I want so much to enjoy her now, but I'm so afraid of getting even more attached to her.  I don't want to struggle with that. But I do.  The more I know her and enjoy her and feel her, the harder it will be to say goodbye to her... IF we have to say goodbye.  Talking with those neonatalogists was wonderful - the best medical conversations we've had in the past 3 months.  But dadgum-it, they gave me hope.  Hope, because the things they've read in her ultrasound reports don't look immediately life-threatening.  Hope that they can help her.  Hope that they may just need to keep her for a few weeks, and then maybe we could take her home.  Hope that I'll have time to mommy her.  They made no guarantees, by any means, but these are the doctors who treat newborns every day.  And they seem to think that we can't make any judgments about how she'll do until her body is forced to work on its own, and not depend on me anymore. 

A friend asked me if being in this situation made me wish that I could just stay pregnant forever.  Yes.  If it meant life for Elliana, I think I would stay pregnant forever.