Our Choice

The day we found out our daughter was not likely to live long after her birth, we heard several phrases we had never dreamed we'd hear.  After my first ultrasound that day, the doctor came into the exam room, introduced herself, and said to me, 'Let me just examine you real quick.'  Jason asked if everything was ok with the baby. Her response - (pause) 'I'll get to that in a minute.'  Then she said things like 'I saw several things that concern me', 'malformations', and 'We can talk about your options.'

Options.

We heard that word twice that day.  The maternal-fetal specialist also told us that we could discuss our options.

I'm not sure why, but I asked both doctors what our options were.  I knew that they were talking about either continuing the pregnancy or terminating it.  But I think I was also desperate for a third option.  As ridiculous as that sounds.  I have no idea what I thought that third option might have been.  There had to be another option - because I couldn't bear the thought of carrying this dying baby for another 22 weeks. Neither could I bear the thought of taking her life.

There was no third option. 

Our choices were:  continue carrying her or have an abortion.

Jason and I are pro-life.  But this is not a post trying to convince anybody that we're doing the right thing.  And I'm not writing to defend the pro-life movement.  Neither am I writing to slam or condemn those who are pro-choice.  I'm writing because, after hearing our daughter's prognosis, some have judged us, and some have commended us.  And while we are hurt by judgment from others, we are also extremely uncomfortable with a commendation. 

Jason and I aren't idiots.  We know that we have friends, maybe family, and coworkers (Jason's) who believe differently from us.  In NC, it's legal to have an abortion before 20 weeks.  And apparently, it can still be done up to 22 weeks if you go to a particular place in NC (the doctor told me where, but I have no clue what he said).  With such a poor prognosis for Elliana at 18 weeks, we still had plenty of time to have an abortion.  And after hearing about what's going on with us, the looks on some peoples' faces have said, 'Are you insane?  She's going to die anyway.'  Those looks hurt.  We know this is insane.  We know she's probably going to die.  Yet, if you believe in the freedom of choice, please (politely) respect the choice we've made.  (And please 'hear' me say that with the kindest tone - there's no anger in that statement.)

On the flip side, this is why I'm so uncomfortable with being 'commended'.  Our choice to continue carrying Elliana was not easy.  We both knew we couldn't terminate the pregnancy.  We couldn't have taken her life.  Too traumatic.  Too much guilt.  Too much judgment.  We couldn't have done it.  But I am so ashamed to admit that at that moment, when we had to make a choice, I didn't 'choose life' out of love for Elliana or conviction of my beliefs.  I chose by default.  The choices were 'A' or 'B'.  There was no way I could have chosen 'B'.  So... 'A' was all that was left.  And even then, I still looked for a way out.  I hoped beyond hope that there was an option 'C' that maybe I didn't know about - because the thought of carrying a baby with a death sentence to term was (and still is) gut-wrenching.

All of that said, I do not regret our choice.  I think I'm even thankful that there wasn't a third option, and that there was no choice but to continue carrying her.  I love my sweet girl.  The more she grows, the more I hope.  Her kicks help me to remember that the doctors can't tell her what the prognosis is.  I do have hope - but I can't say that I'm full of faith.  Hardly.  Most of my days are spent avoiding people and hiding in my house with the curtains and blinds closed, as if I can shut out the world.  Many of Elliana's kicks bring me to tears because I know what the doctors say.  And most of my thoughts surrounding her birth are different versions of the worst-case scenario.

So... please don't 'commend' me for the choice to carry her.  It wasn't brave.  I was very weak in that moment of choice.  The agony I've just described of  'making this decision' proves me anything but brave. 

So when you think of us, whether you 'approve' of our choice or 'disapprove', please just pray for us.  Pray for our strong, kicking little girl.  Pray for the doctors who will examine her upon her birth and make recommendations about whether to fight for her or let her go peacefully.  Pray for our other 4 children and their relationship with their sister.  Pray for our marriage.  Pray for faith for us.