I've been remembering something lately - it comes to mind a LOT, and I don't know why.
Elliana was *with* me for 31 weeks and 5 days in utero. She lay on my chest for a number of hours after she was born. And then, she left with Funeral Home Man.
My tummy was empty. My arms were empty. My chest felt heavy... but empty.
But my right thumb traced the outline of my phone over, and over, and over. For days. I think maybe only while I was in the hospital. My thumb felt and traced the outline of my phone.
Why did I do that? Why do I remember that?
Was it because my hands had nothing - no baby - to feel and hold? No soft head to rub?
Was it because my phone was 'security'? And my hands just needed to be busy?
Was it the beginning of going crazy?
Does it even matter?
It might not be significant at all. But I remember it. And anything I remember that has anything to do with her is significant to me.
I do something similar with my phone. I don't remember when I started doing it, other than it was after he was born and then died. I think it's a way to "do something" because your body knows it should be doing baby things.
ReplyDeleteThe little things hold such significance, don't they?
Yes - the little things are SO significant. No matter how little, they are memories. Reminders. And you and I both need those. Every single one.
Delete