Can't Think of a Title, So We'll Just Call This 'Today's Blog Post'

The mess has gotten larger.  The project, bigger.  But the energy is gone.  As of about 4:45pm today, my energy (or perhaps it was more of a 72-hour adrenaline rush associated with my intense desire to completely destroy something) is gone.

I'm noticing a bit of a 'pattern'.  Down time = the deep ache.

As long as I keep going, as long as there's somewhere I have to be, someone I have to converse with, something I have to do, someone I have to tend to, the deep ache subsides.  But the moment any of those things stop, the deep ache returns.

So... do I just keep myself busy ALL THE TIME and never, ever think about Elliana or feel the deep ache again?

And if I don't keep myself busy all the time, what do I do when the deep ache returns?  It's not like I can push 'pause' on the kids and go play the piano or go to the cemetery.  Or go throw beer bottles.

I've recently learned that there's more than one kind of grief.  There's 'grief', and there's 'complicated grief'.

And I think that's all I want to say about that today.

I guess the good news is this:  after I've completely destroyed something (like the overgrown bushes and great big mound of weed-covered dirt in my back yard), it usually results in a completed project.  I tear something up, I clean it up (with Jason's help), and usually whatever I tore up looks better than it did before I destroyed it.

So eventually, when I'm done with my current project, I'll have 4 freshly painted/decorated, completely rearranged, and extremely organized bedrooms.

Let's hope the energy (or adrenaline) returns quickly.

Wish me luck.