Will a cup of Starbucks coffee always put me back in that hospital room, when her heartbeat was a rhythmic drum beat, and her movements were a song?
Will passing the baby department at walmart ever not make me want to sit down and cry?
When will I be able to sit in church, listen to a sermon, and not want to throw things?
Is it blasphemous to want to dump the communion elements all over someone?
Will I ever pass exits 102 or 103 on the interstate and not want to stop at her resting place?
Will I ever be able to sit in the chair I recovered?
When will my mind not be a jumbled mess of thoughts?
Will I ever want my front window curtains to be completely open again?
Why do chips and salsa still help me?
Will I ever move the newborn pajamas (that Jason and I bought the day we first saw Elliana's little heartbeat) from my closet doorknob?
When will I be able to just enjoy the two nieces that Elliana was supposed to grow up with?
When I hear that one song, will my mind always put me back in that day - Sunday, September 30, in my church, sitting with my dear friends?
When will I be able to lay in the dentists' chair for a filling and not have flashbacks to my c-section the night she was born?
Will I ever be 'ok' seeing Funeral Home Man around town?
Is it weird that looking at the EOB from July 3, 2012 makes me re-live that entire day?
Do I even want these things to stop?
AM I JUST INSANE?
I just don't know. The questions are never ending. Especially that last one!
ReplyDeleteMuch love xx
You are not insane. You are a honest, Christian woman who has questions.....I admire you.
ReplyDeleteThanks. :-) You're right about the honesty, for sure. That might be about the only thing there is to admire!
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