Peppermint Mochas, Pumpkin Muffins, and Chips & Salsa

I have no idea why there is significance in food.  But there is.

Peppermint Mochas

I remember my last Starbucks Peppermint Mocha (my favorite coffee) before Elliana was born, thanks to one of my nurses at the hospital that week, Caroline.  She learned that the Peppermint Mocha was my favorite and brought me one the very next morning, Wednesday, October 3. 

It's significant because... well, it just is.

Pumpkin Muffins

Another of my nurses, Stephanie, talked several times throughout that week about some pumpkin chocolate chip muffins from a bakery that she absolutely loved.  She brought me two of those muffins the day I went home from the hospital, October 8. 

Yesterday, Seth, Levi & I baked some pumpkin muffins.  It's the first thing I've made in my kitchen that required more than 2 ingredients since July 3.  It was just too difficult to follow a recipe.  My mind has been incapable of focusing on the list of ingredients and following the instructions.  Even yesterday, baking was still really challenging.  Embarrassingly challenging.  I realized 7 ingredients into the bowl that I needed to go to the store and get pumpkin.  PUMPKIN.  The main ingredient in pumpkin muffins.  But I finished.  I baked 2 dozen muffins.  Half with chocolate chips in them.

Today, I took some pumpkin muffins to the hospital along with a note for my nurse friends.  I got to see and hug three of them.  It was hard.  And it was sweet.

Chips & Salsa

I love Mexican food.  I think I might be part Hispanic, although my parents might disagree.  :-)

OK.  I realize it's just chips & salsa.  It's just chips & salsa. 

But it's significant.

The day Elliana was born, a friend came to the hospital and brought some chips, salsa, and cheese dip to share with me.  It was after my last ultrasound.  And right before things got scary.  It was the last thing I ate before the beginning of the end.

So... it's significant.  Probably not to anyone else.  But it is to me.

And it goes even beyond being the last thing I ate that day.

The Wednesday before I went into the hospital, Seth and I made a spontaneous trip up to the town where Jason works.  We made last-minute plans to meet him for lunch.  Jason suggested we meet at this Mexican restaurant we'd never been to before.  So we went. 

Shortly after we sat down, I started thinking about a cemetery Kate (from Kids Path) had told me about that was located in this town (something every mom-to-be thinks about during lunch with her husband, right?).  At this point, Jason and I hadn't chosen a cemetery.  I think we were both hoping we'd never need to.  But out of the cemeteries that Kate had checked into, this one sounded like it might be the best (is there such a thing as 'best' when it comes to cemeteries?) option. 

We were eating our chips & salsa.  I remember Jason asking me what I was thinking about.  And I think I said, 'Do you really want to know?'  Because who wants to talk about possible burial sites for their daughter over chips & salsa?

Of course, he wanted to know.  So I told him.  "I'm wondering where the cemetery is.' 

He looked it up.  It was 1/2 a mile from where we were sitting. 

Cooincidence?  I don't know.  Maybe.  This wasn't any kind of earth-shattering moment.  It wasn't something that felt 'meant to be'.  I believe in the sovereignty of God.  And that He orchestrates and cares about even tiny details.  But does He sovereignly plan things like us eating at a Mexican restaurant 1/2 a mile from where we would eventually bury our daughter?  I don't know.  Because if THAT'S true, than it's also true that He sovereignly planned that I'd walk past a very pregnant walmart employee at the very moment she was telling some curious stranger that her baby was due in 3 weeks and it was a girl.  On a Sunday exactly 3 weeks from my due date.  I think that moment was the first moment since Elliana's death that I felt anger stirring in my soul.  Why couldn't I have walked past her 2 minutes earlier?  Or later?  But that's another blog for another time.

Anyway...

After lunch, we drove over to the cemetery.  It wasn't difficult for me to find which part of the cemetery was set aside just for the burial of babies.  There were lots of flowers and lots of gravestones clustered together on a small piece of land.  I think we both 'knew' - this was the place.  If we were going to have to bury our baby, it would be here.

Since then, Jason and I have met several times for lunch at that Mexican restaurant.  And after we eat together, we drive 1/2 a mile to the cemetery (or 'garden' if the boys are with me) to visit Elliana.

About 2 weeks ago, I found out that the chips, salsa and cheese dip my friend brought to me in the hospital were from that restaurant.  Out of all the Mexican restaurants in this area (and there are a LOT), she brought me my last meal before Elliana's death from that restaurant.

I have no idea why this is significant to me.  It's just a restaurant.  I don't know anyone there.  It's just chips & salsa.  Did God Himself actually plan all of that?  If He did, why in the world does He care about the Mexican restaurant and the chips & salsa?  It feels silly.  Am I just taking all of these meaningless events and trying to force them all together to give them meaning, as if that will help me feel better about losing my little girl? 

Or maybe God gave me this.  Maybe He took something that I love - Mexican food - and gave it significance.  Just for me.  Because He loves me?

Hard to swallow when you're angry with Him.

Stupid chips & salsa.  It feels silly.

But it's significant.  To me.