Everywhere

She's everywhere.  And yet, she's not here.

It's so odd to me how a person who was only *here* for a little over 3 hours gave me so many memories and completely changed my life.

*****

We went to the beach over the weekend.  We took a route that we've used more than once before.  On our way there, we had to make a couple of stops.

One of these stops was a gas station/Subway combo store.  One of the kids required... some cleaning up.  Which needed to be done in the parking lot.  (It's a long story - which I won't share here.)  After Jason and I got the 'cleaning up' done, I went into the gas station to wash my hands.  As I was walking out of the gas station, the aroma of Subway sandwiches triggered a memory.  It caught me off guard, and almost stopped me in my tracks.

At that moment, I remembered - I've been here.  We stopped here last summer, on our way to the beach.  Just a few weeks after that 18-week ultrasound.  I remember walking into this gas station.  I remember ordering a veggie sub (because pregnant women aren't supposed to eat deli meat) from that Subway.  I think I even remember exactly which vegetables I had on that sandwich.  I remember how much my heart just hurt.

*****

Yesterday, I took Levi to his 5-year-old check-up (almost 5 months late).  While we were sitting in the waiting room, he saw some wheelchairs folded up in the corner.  He asked what they were and why people needed them.  Then he asked, 'Mom, have you ever been in one of those before?'

Immediately, I was 'in' October 8, 2012, being wheeled out of the hospital to go home - without my daughter.

*****

I took the kids to the pool for the first time this summer.  I didn't expect it to be hard - other than running into people that I haven't seen or talked to last summer.  That's just... difficult.  Awkward.

When I stood beside the pool, last summer became like yesterday.  Sitting on the edge of the baby pool, watching the kids play, feeling Elliana move and kick.  Standing in the shallow end of the big pool with my phone sitting nearby, waiting for a phone call from the doctor with test results.

*****

She's just... everywhere.  It's beautiful, and painful, all at the same time.