This must be what hell feels like.
Waking up and not being able to go back to sleep. Waking up from the sweet relief of sleep, and realizing that it really happened.
Feeling like each day is going to last an eternity.
A weight on my chest that just makes my whole being feel... heavy. And empty at the same time.
Facing the reality that the doctors were right. She only lived a couple of hours. And feeling like it was so foolish to get my hopes up that I'd have her in my arms for a few days. And downright stupid to think I'd get to bring her home.
I'm so tempted to sugar-coat this so that this doesn't turn into the most depressing post ever. But sugar-coating is not me. I've been completely honest for the past 3 months and 15 days. Why stop now?
Elliana is always at the front of my mind. And so many things strike me in unexpected ways and at unexpected times because of her.
Seth laid his head on my chest this morning and fell asleep. I remembered all of Elliana's 2 pounds and 11 ounces fitting in that same spot.
I walked downstairs and saw a basket full of clothes that don't fit Missy anymore. I thought about how Elliana would never get to wear them.
Levi is so much a 'big brother'. He can be so sweet with Seth and Missy. I would have loved to watch him with Elliana.
I filled out a book-it calendar for Elijah for the month of October. Writing in the dates of Elliana's birth and death, the 5th and 6th, made me cry.
My mom gives raindrop kisses to my kids. And I think about how she was only able to do that once with Elliana.
There are so many people she never got to meet. Cousins she won't get to grow up with.
I wish I knew if her belly button would have been an inny or an outy.
I wish I could see what her hair would look like in a year. Two years. Ten years. How long and beautifully blonde it would be.
I wish I could hold her again. I just want to hold her again.
I do think that this must be what hell feels like. Except that I know there's one big difference.
Hope.
I can't write a whole lot about hope right now. But I know it's somewhere in the months ahead of me.
Thank you for writing this as you did. I did not write when it was so raw. If I had I expect it would have looked much like this.
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard to see your older children, and know what wonderful big siblings they'd have been (on earth I mean, they are ALWAYS big brothers to their baby brother here), isn't it?