October

The month of October is a blur.  I was admitted to the hospital on September 30 - 4 weeks ago yesterday.  Elliana was born on October 5.  She died on October 6.  I came home on October 8.  Her funeral was on October 10.  Life has been mainly about survival since then. 

And now it's October 29.  Fall in its prime.  This is my favorite time of year.  And I feel like I've missed it. 

I'm not going to be able to explain this well because I don't really understand it.  But fall will forever be more special - more meaningful - because of Elliana.  The beauty and the color will be more to me than just 'the most beautiful time of year'.  Fall holds significance now.  The significance of the birth of our Elliana.  And the significance of a life taken far too quickly.   

I've driven down the highway several times over the past few weeks.  But this year, instead of enjoying the beauty of the fall colors, I've been worrying about what the trees will look like in the coming weeks.  I'm dreading the day that I drive down I-85 to visit 'the garden' (our vocabulary for 'the cemetery', for the sake of our little ones who have no idea what a cemetery is) and see it lined with bare, leafless trees.  Gray.  Lifeless.  Another reminder of death.  The northeast coast is being pounded by Hurricane Sandy - and all I can think about is how it's going to affect me.  How the wind will strip the trees even faster.  (How self-centered is that?)                        

I do know that the trees aren't really dead.  They will have leaves on them again in the spring.  And then next fall, the leaves will die, turn beautiful colors, and the cycle repeats itself.  I know there's probably some really good parallel you could draw between the life cycle of a tree and human life, but I'm way too literal (and cynical at the moment) to do that.

I love the gold-colored leaves this year.  They remind me of Elliana's beautiful little blond head.  :-)