31 weeks, 1 day

Quick update - I'm still in the hospital, and it looks like I'll go home tomorrow evening.  The goal is to get a full 48 hours of IV antibiotics in me - leaking fluid puts Little Miss and me at risk for infection.  Once I get home, I won't be on bedrest, but I'm supposed to limit my activity (umm... right), refrain from picking up anything over 25 lbs (which includes Seth), stop any activity that causes contractions, and watch for signs of infection.  We really want Elliana to stay put until at least 34 weeks (which would be October 21), but it's still a little unclear to me what happens once we get to 34 weeks.

At this moment, I'm hooked up to two monitors - one for Elliana's heartbeat, and one for contractions.  Elliana likes to kick the probes.:-)

It's been such a long day.  I've lost track of how many doctors I've seen.  The day is just a one big long string of nurses, doctors, consults, IV's, monitors. The nurses have been so kind - so thoughtful and understanding.  They've treated me like I'm their only patient.  The doctors have been helpful in making decisions about how to proceed over the next several weeks.   

We've spoken with two neonatalogists in the past 24 hours - I so wish that they had been among the first of the physicians we'd consulted with after receiving Elliana's diagnosis.  After speaking with them, I feel like I know what to expect in the minutes and hours after her birth.  I know what they consider 'normal interventions' for preemies and what they consider 'heroic measures'.  And now I know - they're on my side.  They want Elliana to live.  They want us to be able to take her home.  They are for her. 

There has been no shortage of tears today.  At times just because I was overwhelmed with all of the information.  Other times because I'd remember that just around the corner and down another hallway are lots of happy mommies and healthy babies.  And other times, because someone was just going about their job, not really thinking about the patient they were speaking to. 

I *think* tomorrow will be a quieter day.  In some ways, I'm glad for that - I'm not sure my brain could handle much more information.  In other ways, it scares me - 'quiet' gives me time to think, and most of the time, thinking leads to tears.

Earlier today, I caught up on reading some blog comments.  One comment completely caught me off guard.  This sweet girl, who I've never actually met, lost her 2 month old son a little over a year ago.  And I commented on her blog.  She reminded me of what I wrote to her...

"You are free to feel however you need to feel - angry, sad, confused, livid, questioning everything, struggling with hope or faith. It's ok. Your Father's love for you won't change. Don't feel like you need to put on a face for anyone - it's ok if you don't feel that Christian 'joy' for a while. And Jesus' reputation is not at stake - your struggling and/or grieving is not going to ruin Jesus' reputation - He can handle it. And when you're wondering if you even have any faith at all, just remember that there are lots of people who love you - and they have faith FOR you right now. You will probably never know the answers to the 'whys'. But there is something you can be completely certain of - Matthew was created for a purpose. A specific purpose - God made him for a reason. And that purpose is being fulfilled RIGHT NOW. His life and death were NOT for the sole purpose of teaching you some valuable lesson, although losing him will change you forever. Matthew is doing exactly what he was created to do - at this very moment."

Somewhere in the recesses of my soul, I know this truth is still there.  Just can't see it in these circumstances.  Yet.