Contradiction

I feel like a walking contradiction right now.  The way I think doesn't seem to make any sense.

I long for life to be normal again.  We haven't experienced 'normal' life since July 3 - almost four months ago when we had our 18 week ultrasound.  And I feel like 'normal' is completely out of reach right now.

Here's the contradiction:  I'm longing for 'normal', but I am so resistant to changing the things that would lead to 'normal'. 

I'm still wearing the wrist bands from the hospital.  I haven't been able to take them off.  I feel like taking them off is sort of ending that part of my life.  The part where Elliana was alive, and her heart was beating so strongly, and I was feeling her kick. 

Right before I left my room for the c-section, the nurse asked me if I was wearing any jewelry.  The only jewelry I had on was my engagement and wedding rings.  I hadn't been able to get them off of my finger in years.  So I didn't even bother to try - I just told the nurse they wouldn't come off.  She put some lotion on my finger and asked me to try.  And my rings came off.  With hardly any effort.  It suprised me.  Shocked me.  And then it scared me.  That little bit of security in having my rings on was going to be gone during the scariest hours of my life.  It feels silly - they were only rings, for Pete's sake.  But at the time, it felt awful.

I've thought that maybe, when I cut the wrist bands off, I'll 'trade' them for my rings.  Maybe putting my rings back on will make it not quite so difficult to put the wrist bands away.

I haven't cut my fingernails in weeks.  Since before I went into the hospital on September 30.  This is really unusual for me.  I break and split fingernails regularly playing the piano, so it makes absolutely no sense to grow them out.  And if the piano didn't keep them short, the dishes, laundry and children would.  But these new claws of mine are starting to catch on things, and I will have to cut them soon.  But for some reason, I'm having a really hard time bringing myself to actually do it. 

I haven't played the piano since the funeral.  Playing is so personal.  I just can't do it.  Yet.

There are flowers on my dresser that are dead or dying.  I haven't been able to throw them away.  I don't want to acknowledge that they're gone.  It's like the hospital wrist bands - throwing the flowers away is sort of... moving on.  I don't know if I can do it.

I haven't been able to go through the memory box that the hospital put together and gave us.  It's still sitting in the same bag, in the same exact spot as the day I came home from the hospital.  Right next to my side of the bed on the floor.  On our birth plan, there was a section to indicate what items we wanted the hospital to save for us.  A lock of Elliana's hair was one of the things that we wanted, although when we were putting the birth plan together, we had no idea if she would have any hair at all.  (All of that heartburn was well worth it, wouldn't you say?? (-: )    I'm so afraid that I'll open that box and that there won't be a lock of hair in it.  I feel guilty that I didn't make sure we did that.  I'm her mom.  I should have thought about it when I was holding her and proudly admiring her golden crown.

Eventually, I will cut the wrist bands off.  Put my rings back on.  Cut my fingernails.  Play the piano.  Throw the flowers away.  Open the memory box. 

Longing for 'normal'.  But not remembering what 'normal' was.  And knowing that whatever kind of 'normal' I settle into will probably look different from life before Elliana.

I miss her so much. 

So. Much.