One Week

I wasn't even anticipating the 'one week' mark.  Jason said something on Thursday night about 'dreading tomorrow'.  I asked why.  He said, 'She would have been one week old tomorrow.' 

Yesterday, I found myself needing several things.  I needed to go visit Elliana.  I needed to remember the events of last Friday afternoon with as much detail as I could.  I needed to think through the decision to go ahead with the c-section and try to convince myself it really was the right thing to do.  I needed to linger on Seth's face and blonde hair a little longer than usual and wonder what his baby sister might look like right now, with a perfectly healthy little body in heaven. 

And this one just feels silly - I needed to have chips, salsa, and cheese dip last night.  That was our last meal together before our 'goodbye' began.

She was born at 10:56pm.  Last night, by 11:15pm, I just needed to go to sleep.  I couldn't relive her birth and the few hours following.

And today.  Today just feels like it will drag on forever.  But I don't want it to end either.  Weird, I know.

One week ago, I didn't see how I'd ever be able to let her out of my arms.  But I knew that I couldn't hold her forever.  I knew that the 'goodbye' was inevitable.  I knew that the funeral home man would come and take her tiny body.

I remember being desperate to savor every moment with her.  Wanting to memorize everything about her.  But I also remember being desperate for rest.  And I couldn't rest while she was with me.  I think my mommy-heart couldn't believe that she was really gone.  I think in the back of my mind, I was sort of just waiting for her to wake up.  Waiting for her to move.  To breathe again.

The last thing I said to Jason before we went to sleep last night was, 'One week ago right now, she was alive.  She was breathing.' 

It helps to remember her life.