THAT ROOM

Writing does require a lot of energy.  It's so much easier to just not think.  But... even if I avoid thinking and just stay distracted and busy, it never goes away.  It's like Grief eventually just stands in front of me, face to face, demanding my attention.

Several weeks ago, I wrote about transitioning to a 'new' church, starting to direct the choir - just... changes.

So far, Jason and the kids are transitioning back into MPC.  *I* can't go on Sunday mornings.  It's too hard.

I am going on Wednesday nights for choir practice.  I can manage choir practice.  I get there right at 6, I park where I see as few people as possible between my car and the choir room, and I do what I need to do.

I do enjoy it - leading choir practice.  I do enjoy it.  :-)

But talking to people just scares me.  I wish it didn't.  But it does.  Maybe it won't always scare me.

This is what I need to write about today:  band.

We all know I love to play in a band.  :-)  And I get to play with the MPC band for their fall festival on October 19.

I do need to say here - I miss my GF band.  I'd like to come back and play with you one day in the near future.  :-)  I need to come back and play with you soon.

Anyway... if I'm going to play with MPC's band for the fall festival, I have to go to practice.  I don't mind practicing.  In fact, I enjoy practices.

But not when they're in MPC's worship center.

When I walk into that room, vivid memories of funeral day flood my mind.  The door through which we entered, the music that was playing, who I saw in the seats and on the stage, seeing Elliana's casket at the front center of the room, remembering the pictures that sat on the stage, 'seeing' Jeremy at the front of the room, playing the piano during the service, some of Jeremy's words, the moment Jason picked up her casket, walking back down the aisle, leaving the building, watching Jason put her in the back of the hearse - I remember it all so clearly.

So... I've spent many hours in that room by myself, playing the piano.  Not sure that there was ever an actual 'goal' in playing.  I just needed to play.

And then one time, there was someone up in the sound booth while I played.  I was ok with that.  One person, far away, in the sound booth, not interacting with me, but hearing me play.

And then another time, there were two people in the sound booth.  I was mostly ok with that.  They were working something out, but they were far away, not interacting with me, and hearing me play.

And then this past Wednesday, I attempted a band practice.  Just the last 15 minutes of it.  I walked in through the kitchen (because I can't go through the front doors - call me crazy) and stood in the back watching for a couple minutes.

The band leader, my friend, 'N', played at the funeral that day in October.  He was standing in the same spot, playing his guitar, singing.

Then 'N' saw me and motioned for me to go ahead and come up.

It took so much effort to walk from the back of the room to the stage.  I couldn't walk down the center aisle - that's where I walked on funeral day.  I went around - down one of the side aisles.  I didn't want to look at anyone, talk to anyone, have conversations with anyone - I just wanted to sit (hide) behind the piano and play.  And mostly, that's what happened.

I played.  With 'N', another guitarist, the bass guy, and the drummer.  And one other singer.  I got teary-eyed a couple times.  And I was only there about 15 minutes - which is about all I could have handled, I think.  And afterwards, I just wanted to leave - without talking to anyone.  It's difficult to think about having conversations about anything/anyone other than Elliana in that room.  

I made it through Wednesday night.  15 minutes.  With 4+ people in the room.  But it was so hard.

There was another band practice today at 4.

If I hadn't had to drive myself to practice, I might have had a glass of wine before band practice.  :-)  But, I had to drive, so the wine waited til after practice.

So... here's my play-by-play of 'Sunday Afternoon Band Practice in THE ROOM'.

I parked in the back.   I think it feels like I'm hiding if I park in the back.

I texted 'N' to ask if he'd mind letting me in a side door - because I couldn't go through the front doors.

'N' opened the door for me.  (Thanks, N.)

I walked S L O W L Y across the room, passing the spot where Elliana's casket had been.

I think I walked even slower up the stairs to the piano on the stage.

While everyone else arrived, I tried not to think.  And although I'm pretty successful at *not thinking* when I need to *not think*, I think it's just harder in that room.  So... I failed at *not thinking*, and I got teary-eyed.  I remembered a box of tissues in the side room, so I grabbed a tissue.

I thought about leaving.  I thought about just leaving.  I really wasn't sure I was going to be able to do band practice at all.

But after we started playing, it got a little easier.  If I focus mainly on the music (and not so much on the words), I'm ok.

And then - at the end of practice - I got to lead a song.  I got to lead - in a great big room, with a drummer and lots of guitars.

And I really enjoyed it.

In THAT ROOM, with such hard memories... I enjoyed leading a song.

This song.

The only way I can really sing it is to just not think about it.  Because when I think, the tears are just there.  And the tears come because I don't know how to reconcile the truth of what I'm singing (which, to be honest, feels like BS sometimes) with the reality of this life.  With brokenness.  And death.

So... I don't think when I'm singing.  :-)

But I enjoyed it.  I enjoyed something in that room.  THAT ROOM, where my baby girl laid a few feet away from me.  THAT ROOM, where I couldn't hold her anymore.  THAT ROOM - the last place I was able to 'be with her' before we buried her.

It made me smile - to lead that song, and play with the band.  IN THAT ROOM.

It felt like a big deal.  Maybe it won't be quite so hard to go in that room for band practice on Wednesday.