Don't Even Know What to Call it.

I feel like I don't remember how to write anymore.  I think I'm afraid that writing will require thinking, which will require energy - emotional energy.  And I'm just not sure if I want to put energy into *any* of it.

I wrote about starting to direct the choir.  I feel like such a mess.  I do have a plan each week, I can manage to think through what I want to accomplish.  But when it comes to standing in front of all those people who are just sitting there watching me, I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing.  I can't think of the words I want to say, I avoid eye contact, I fumble through warm ups, I mix up the parts.  

My mind wanders to the place on the other side of the wall where I sat beside Elliana as friends came to hug us on October 10.

My mind goes there.  In the middle of a song, the middle of a phrase, or the end of a phrase when I'm supposed to be giving the choir a cut-off... my mind goes there.  

And it's hard not to think things like, 'I'm not a choir director any more.  I'm the mom of a child who has died who's just *trying* to direct a choir.'

Threw a few wine bottles tonight.  Choir practice + band practice in the room where the funeral was + conversation with someone who had *no idea* where I've been over the last 13 months = the need to throw something.

Will probably have to clean up some glass tomorrow.

My baby girl's first birthday is right around the corner.  And I have no idea what I'm going to do.