Tuesday, July 3 last year was the day that life turned completely upside down.
I remember scheduling that 18-week ultrasound at one of my June doctor's appointments. I remember looking at my calendar, and the receptionist suggesting July 3, saying that the office would be closed on the 4th, and 'wouldn't it make your 4th of July celebration a little more fun if you had your ultrasound the day before?'
It was a Tuesday.
So... will tomorrow (Tuesday, July 2) be the horrible, horrible, anniversary/repeat/continual flashback day? Or will it be Wednesday, July 3, the *actual* anniversary?
Or maybe neither day will be hard.
This is SO unpredictable.
Unpredictable.
This past Sunday, I played the piano with a great group of guys at a great church, and I really did have a great time. Until about 20 minutes before the end of the second service.
Up until then, I felt pretty good, I could breathe easier, the music - oh, the music - was wonderful.
And out of nowhere, as I sat in the 'green room' with the band waiting for my cue to do a transition, grief showed up. Like an unwelcome guest. It was just... there.
It's so unpredictable. It came, it weighed on my chest, made it hard to breathe again, and made me want to crawl into the big black hole. Into solitude. Into that place where I am the mom of a dead child. And nothing else really matters.
Unpredictable.
Will tomorrow be a hard day? Or Wednesday? Or neither day?
Or Thursday?
Friday?
All I know for sure is that a year ago on Tuesday, July 3, I woke up ready to find out if Baby Lindegren was a boy or a girl. I was hoping for *girl*. I got ready, dropped the kids off at a friend's house, and drove to my doctor's office.
I parked, rode the elevator up to Floor #2, expecting (but with a slight twinge of doubt) that I'd be riding back down that same elevator in an hour or 2, having heard, 'It's a ______! Beautiful, healthy baby ______! Looks like your due date is accurate, keep taking your prenatal vitamins, and come back to see us in a month.'
That's not at all what happened.
I am thinking of you. I have no magic words :(
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how these angelversaries show up. Nathaniel died on a Monday, and for probably the first five or six months, every Monday was so painful. And the 25th of every month. And then, after the first year, the anniversary days and days of the week seemed to blur. And now the grief just shows up, like you said.
ReplyDeleteI'm holding you in my thoughts during these days. I am now in those days between when we found out about Nathaniel's condition and when he was born and died. I don't know what you did, but I made funeral arrangements for him before he was even born. That was so unreal.
Breathing with you, mama <3
I couldn't make funeral arrangements. I was still hoping that everyone was wrong. I was hoping that my little girl would be so much stronger than they said she would be.
DeleteI do remember a 'counselor' making some calls for me. She called a few funeral homes in the area, and she called a couple cemeteries. I was SO GRATEFUL that someone did that for me. I couldn't do it. I'm not sure what we would have done if we hadn't had that information when Elliana was born. It would have been even harder.
I'd love to hear more about how you made arrangements for him. Or maybe you've blogged about that? I should go back and look.
Thank you for writing - I love to hear from people. :-)