Laughter

I've laughed more than a few times in the last 2 days.  I've had 'down time' with more than a few people in the last 2 days.  I've felt 'good' more than once in the last 2 days.

I even played games tonight and got a little competitive.  A little bit of the 'old' me was around tonight.

I've heard/read that the loss of a child changes you forever.

It does.

The loss of Elijah when he was 2 weeks old, although it was temporary, changed me - it made me more compassionate towards moms who have had to say goodbye to their babies.  

The loss of our first Lindebaby (biologically) changed me.  It was my first really, really difficult journey through grief.  And it brought me to an encounter with the Gospel in a way I'd never experienced before.

The loss of our second Lindebaby changed me more.  Another encounter with grief.

The loss of our first foster baby, Matthew, changed me.  I had been 'mommy' to a little boy who had no mother, and he needed me.  And then... he was gone.  He had a father and a grandmother to take care of him.  He didn't need me anymore.

The loss of our twins changed me.  Oh, it changed me.  It was a battle, that journey through grief.  I wrestled with the goodness of my Father, my faith, His sovereignty, prayer, the curse of sin.

The adoptions of Elijah and Missy, and the births of my 2 boys, Levi and Seth, have changed me, too.  I'm a mom.  And just becoming a mom changes a person.  :-)

Elliana's death - I don't even know how to begin to talk about how it's changed me.  There are things about me that are different.  Lots of things.  And I've heard/read that this person, the one I am now - the mom who has physically cared for a sick and dying child just by carrying her for 7 months, the one who 'fought' for her, who has given birth to her, who has seen her laying in a coffin - this mom is different.  Forever.

But tonight, I saw a little bit of the old 'me'.  The really competitive 'me'.  The one who likes to win, who hates to lose.

The 'old' me that laughs.

I'm glad that I'm different.  Life is supposed to change when a baby is born.  If the birth of a baby is supposed to change me into someone's mom... but that baby, that 'someone', is gone... then something else has to change.

*I* change.

But... I kinda liked hearing the 'old' me laugh.  I think I'm glad that some of the 'old' me is still there.