I think today was just about as close to normal as I'm going to get. At least for the next several months. I had things to do, places to be - and I did them. Ran a couple errands, participated in a meeting (without crying), and even answered a stranger's question about when my baby is due (also without crying).
I proved to myself today that I can go through the motions of life. I won't be completely useless. I can take care of my family. I may not do a great job of it - in fact, I might do a pretty lousy job of it. But the kids will be fed, and they'll (probably) have clean clothes to wear.
But - I think I've written this before - this feels like such a lonely place. What goes on in my heart and thoughts throughout the day feels so disconnected from what my hands are doing and my mouth is saying. The lady asked me when my baby is due, and my mouth said, 'The end of November.' A small smile on my face. My heart, though, just felt like it was breaking all over again, thinking about what the due date means. At the meeting I attended, someone made a comment about a funeral dirge. And my thoughts went straight to the (possible) funeral in my future. My heart is so shaken with the dismal future of my unborn daughter. She is always on my mind, even if it's not evident to anyone else.
As heavy as this is most of the time, I'm trying to enjoy her. Paying close attention to her kicks and punches. Being conscious of (but trying not to obsessively worry about) what I eat and trying to make sure I eat enough. Talking about her with the kids. Pausing to look at the sweet little shoes a friend got for her.
Jason just brought home some chocolate iced glazed Krispy Kreme donuts. I think Elliana and I have to have one. Chocolate's in her blood - she IS an Odell girl. :-)
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