This Year's End

We drove back from my parents' house in SC today - December 31, 2012.  New Year's Eve.  Unpacked the van, put things away, settled back in.  Got the kids ready for bed.  Needed to make a quick milk-and-juice run.

And go to the cemetery.

Definitely a first for me.  I've never rung in the new year surrounded by granite stones and fake flowers.

This has been a hard year for several of my friends.  A year of hell for a few of them.  And a couple of them are really glad to say 'goodbye' to 2012.  To be done with the year of heartache.  I think I can understand why. 

But I'm not ready for 2012 to end.  As if I have any control over it.  Midnight will come and go, and 2012 will be gone.  But I'm dreading it.  2012 was Elliana's year.  We found out she was on her way at the end of March, so she was a part our lives for most of the year.  In this short year, we anticipated her arrival, learned of her fatal diagnosis, loved her as she continued to grow, planned for her birth, hoped for her life, and held her as she died.

I could just live in 2012 forever.  All of my memories of my sweet baby girl are in this year.  For me, she was 2012.

I've spent the last week trying to 'make it through'.  Unfortunately, I'm not one of those people who tries to make the most of a bad situation.  I suck at looking on the bright side.  I think our kids enjoyed Christmas day - but for me, the bright spot was going to the cemetery after naptime and eating Christmas dinner at the Denny's 'near' Elliana.  Which just feels... pitiful. 

But in all honesty, 'making it through' is about the best I can do most days.  And this past week, 'making it through' has taken several different forms.  Like ignoring social media completely for a few days so I wouldn't have to read all of the 'baby's first Christmas' comments.  Or baking.  I baked more cookies and sweets in the days right before Christmas than in the past 10 years combined.  Even eating and drinking.  I've thought that maybe - if I could just eat enough - it would fill that empty space in me.  Or drinking - whether it be coffee, coke, or wine - maybe a little bit more would make the hole feel not quite so big.  I've wondered if a new 'toy' - my own ipad, or a new phone - would distract me enough to give my mind a rest from thinking and my heart a rest from hurting. 

I guess those things could help - for a moment or two.  The 'bite' of that first sip of coke, and the way it makes that numb feeling go away.  For just a moment.  The sweet escape of a stupid computer/phone game to take my thoughts far away for a short while.  Sometimes, I'd give anything for a moment of relief. 

But I know I'm longing for relief that this world can't ultimately give me. 

I know, I know, I KNOW.  (Throwing extremely fragile imaginary vases and bashing computers *here*.)

But that's about as far as I get.  Knowing.  Can't quite bring myself to move toward the One who could give me relief. 

Not even sure if I want to right now.