Her Hair

I remember one of the first things I heard after Elliana was born.  It wasn't the sound of her cry.  It was the anesthesiologist, with a little sparkle of happiness in her eyes, telling me, 'She has blond hair.'

She had SO MUCH blond hair.

When I see other little girls with beautiful blond hair, it brings tears to my eyes.  Obviously, it's partly because I'll never get to see what my Elliana looks like as a bright-eyed, curious 3-year-old with long blond hair.  But it's something else, too.  The other day, I finally realized what it was. 

I was at the mall playground with my littlest boys.  A blond little girl, probably 2, was running around, a little initimidated by the rowdiness of my boys.  :-)  (Elliana wouldn't have been intimidated.  She would have been just as rowdy.)  This little girl was with her grandmother.  I found myself wishing that I could tell that grandmother about my little girl.

People ooh and aah over babies.  Their cute noses, their tiny fingers, their chubby cheeks.  I think if my girl were still living, people would be exclaiming over her hair.  They might comment about how much she had, or how blond it was, or ask which side of the family she got it from (and Jason would be super quick to take credit.). 

And even though she's not here, I still have a longing to show her off.  I wish I could have shared with that grandmother that my little girl also had beautiful blond hair.  Just like her granddaughter.  I wish that, at the very least, I'd had some reason to show her a picture - because even though she's gone, she's still my little girl.  And I think she was beautiful.  And I want the ooh's and aah's.

My son, Seth, has (had) gorgeous blond hair.  It was a little on the long side before Elliana was born.  But after she was born, I couldn't bear to cut it.  I felt like his little blond head was the only real glimpse I'd get of what Elliana's hair would have looked like if she had lived.  So I let it grow - and it was really cute.  :-)  Jason was patient for a while, but about a week ago, he felt like it was time.  And we cut Seth's hair.

Confessions of a grieving mom:  I saved some of his hair.  Because the hospital didn't save any of Elliana's. 

Heart. Broken.

My other daughter, Melissa, has a genetic disorder that we haven't officially identified.  There's been one strong possibility, and one of the characteristics of that particular disorder is 'excessive' hair.  But, as far as I know, excessive hair isn't one of the characteristics of Tetrasomy 9p.  So, I've wondered - did Elliana's Creator give her that beautiful head full of blond hair just for me?  Did He give me that piece of her just so that I would be able to 'see her' in the little blond heads that cross my path?  Or, is it just some random characteristic of a genetic disorder that has absolutely nothing to do with me, and she just had lots of blond hair because of the extra copies of chromosome 9?

So... if you're brave enough to do it, ask me to show you her picture.  Because if you ask me, I'll probably be very glad to show you her picture.  I have some on my phone, and I'm about to get some wallet-sized ones in the mail.  I might get teary-eyed, but I would be very happy to show off my beautiful 'Belle', and get your ooh's and aah's.