Due Date

Today was my due date.

Even if things had gone according to our plan, we wouldn't have made it to today - she would have been delivered early by c-section.  But it's been a hard day.  I think because it's the last 'anticipating Elliana's arrival' date on my calendar. 

After today, my calendar will only have two dates pencilled in for Elliana on it - her birthday and the day she died.  But there are so many more dates that are 'hers'.  I think I've realized that it will take a long time to pry my finger loose of anything that is hers or reminds me of her.  It's all I have of her, and I notice myself hanging onto anything - dates, blankets, a voicemail from the week I was in the hospital, my bracelet, a pink sleeper hanging on my closet door - that is Elliana's.  Silly things.  But important things.

I've spent the last week with some form of hyper-ADD.  I've described it to a few people as feeling like I have ADD, but on crack.  I. Can't. Focus. On. Anything.  And I want to do everything all at once.

Clean the house.
Go to Hobby Lobby.
Re-cover a chair.
Christmas shop.
Vacuum out the van.
Go to Starbucks.
Get a new comforter.
Redecorate my bedroom.
Go to Bath and Body Works and take advantage of that really good deal.
Redecorate the kids' rooms.
Reorganize the kitchen.
Clean out the storage room.
Tear down a wall.
Go to the mall so the boys can run around somewhere indoors.
Create photo books.
Throw the laptop. And shatter it.
Go get some chips and salsa.
Redecorate the entire house.
Play 'Bakery Story' - a really stupid time-consuming game on my phone.  I'm embarrassed to admit this publicly.
Re-cover the other chair.
Go back to Bath and Body Works and take advantage of that really good deal again.
Do all the laundry.  In one morning.
Get rid of a bunch of toys.
Paint all the upstairs trim.
Find little architectural (good word, Beth) thingies for above the mantle.

And this is only the beginning of the list in my head.

One really important task - get a Christmas ornament for our tree with Elliana's name on it.

Our other kids either have ornaments with their name on it, or ornaments that they've made.  Elliana needs one.  At least one. 

Poor kids - Elijah and Missy can escape to school and have some degree of normalcy.  Levi and Seth, on the other hand, wake up and have no idea what to expect for their day. 

And Jason - I told him my ADD list yesterday morning, and he just wanted to help me try to get it all done.  Yesterday.  Obviously, that didn't happen.  :-)

I saw Kate (from Kids Path) on Tuesday, and she reassured me that I'm not going nuts.  This inability to focus is part of grief.  And although I hate the idea that going through grief is a 'process', and their are steps to it, and what I'm feeling is 'normal' (because there is nothing 'normal' about burying a baby), it does help - just a little bit - to know that I'm not going insane.