How Many

One of the most difficult questions for me to answer right now is, 'How many children do you have?'

The other is, 'How are you?'

The answers to both are complicated.

How am I?  I'm alive and breathing, taking care of my kids, fixing dinner at night, doing laundry, attempting to teach piano lessons, laughing at times, crying at times.  But everything takes so much energy - getting the kids ready to go somewhere, getting myself ready to go somewhere, making a grocery list, conversation - all of it is just so draining.

And then there are times I get this urge to just be in the kitchen and create, so I bake.  A lot.  Things I don't even really like.  Like hot cross buns.  Yes.  Hot cross buns.  They weren't nearly as good as I hoped they'd be.  I think I was hoping they'd be some incredible variation on cinnamon rolls, but they weren't nearly cinnamony or gooey enough.

I do weird things, like completely redecorate my living room walls.  I'm in the process of putting up a gazillion pictures of my family, which will probably make people who walk through my front door a little uncomfortable.  One corner of the room is finished - it's the first corner you see when you walk through my door.   Now that I've realized the first picture people will see is the canvas close-up of my belly with all the kids' hands on it, I sort of wonder if maybe I should have thought that through a little better.  I have no idea what people will think when they see it, but I really don't care.  :-)  I like it.  

The other question... How many children do I have?

That one's even harder to answer.

Up until recently, I have stumbled through the answer, 'I have four children.'  Because saying 'five' would probably bring me to tears, and the person asking about my kids has just met me.  It's not likely they're prepared for a torrent of tears from a stranger.

But this past week, I answered the question differently.  To my new dental hygienist, of all people.  Poor woman.

The last time I went to the dentist was almost a year ago.  They found a couple cavities, I set up a return appointment for mid-July, and then... Elliana.  July 3 happened.  I had to cancel the appointment because I knew I'd just sit in my dentist's chair and cry through the fillings.

I finally went back this week for a cleaning.  I didn't want to go - partly because... well, who WANTS to go the dentist anyway?  And I knew the dentist would fuss at me for not having the cavities filled.  But he had no idea why I didn't keep that appointment to have the cavities filled.

Reminders of Elliana are everywhere - even at the dentist's office.

So I was pretty uncomfortable being there, and the hygienist picked up on that.  She asked me if I was ok (also a difficult question to answer - because no, I'm not ok).  I told her I was ok.  She gently pushed a little more and asked if I just had some dental fears.  I said no, it wasn't dental fears.

Then, as she was about to put that mini pirate's hook in my mouth, she started making small talk.  Her first question to me:  Do you have children?  Me:  Yes, I do.  Hygienist:  How many?

*big sigh*

Since she already knew I was not really ok, I decided to just go ahead and say it.

'I have five children, but one of my daughters died a few months ago.'

There.  I did it.  I said it.

The sweet hygienist responded really well, said she was so sorry, and asked what happened.  It surprised me that I felt better about briefly telling her what happened than I would have felt about saying I have four children rather than five.

And then I apologized - I knew that by telling her, I had put her in an awkward position.  I mean, how do you keep making small talk with someone like me after I drop that bomb on you?

But even though I know it made her a little uncomfortable, I'm glad I was honest with her.  Because now, someone in that office knows.  And for some reason, that helps me.

I even wish I'd gone a step further and asked her if she'd like to see a picture - because I have several in my purse.  :-)