This is the longest I've gone without blogging since the beginning of July. My thoughts feel like a jumbled mess now, with too many things competing for my mind and too many emotions competing for my heart.
Some of the things I hope to blog about soon...
'Tom Sawyer' - it was so good for me.
Chips & Salsa.
The moments in life I just have to get through.
Tonight, I'm at the tail end of one of my worst days in a couple of weeks. I survived it. I was even sort of 'productive'. I cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, and put the clean dishes away. I remembered to make the house payment before it was late. I went to Walmart. Granted, it wasn't the Walmart I usually go to here in my small town. But I did go, and I bought some groceries. I did 2 loads of laundry. They're not folded, but the clothes are clean. I helped Elijah finish a science project. And I reluctantly went along with Seth's (rather strong) desire to be potty trained (what the heck?? Because right now is such an ideal time to deal with accidents, as well as even more pee in, around, on, and - how in the world does this happen - above the toilet.).
There were some successes today.
And then there were several failures. I made more than one of my kids cry with my short temper. I let them eat things and wear things that I wouldn't typically say 'yes' to - mostly because I just didn't care enough to say 'no' (or have the energy to deal with the fall-out if I said 'no'). I didn't make Elijah finish studying for his tests tomorrow - because I was done. Really, really done. With parenting, disciplining, thinking, trying. I was done at about 4:00 today, and when Jason came home at 5:00 with a splitting headache, I was not gracious and understanding. I was grumpier, and just plain p&*!ed off because I had to do 3 more hours of parenting by myself. And when 3 of the kids were finally in bed, I escaped to my van out in the driveway and cried.
I guess the ache to hold Elliana again has not been quite as painful over the past 10 days. I've had distraction and busy-ness to make that pain just a little bit 'numb'. But the distraction ('Tom Sawyer') is gone, and staying busy makes me so tired. I think today was the day that reality hit yet again. And I realized that looking at her picture and holding her blanket will never be able to take the place of looking at her and holding her. And saying 'I love you' to the fresh patch of grass covering her grave will never be the same as the day I was able to whisper it in her ear.
Looking forward to sleep. The sweet relief of sleep.
Nothing will ever be the same.
ReplyDelete