One Month

One month ago at this moment (11:09pm), our little girl was alive and trying to breathe.  A neonatologist was examining her.  Not looking at images on an ultrasound.  This doctor was looking at the actual body of our baby and finding answers to some of the questions we'd had for months. 

Had she lived, Elliana would be a month old today.  If she were still with us, I'd be posting pictures, probably from the NICU.  I would put a great big pink bow on her beautiful blond head.  I would post stats of her growth and describe as much as possible about the personality of a one-month-old.  I would talk about her all day - to anyone who would listen.

I haven't been speaking with my Heavenly Father much lately.  I really just don't know what to say.  But earlier today, Jason and I went to 'Elliana's garden' and laid some pretty pink roses on her grave.  Before I left , I told God that He needed to make a really big deal about celebrating 'one month'.  I have no idea if God honors requests like that (Although... I probably didn't make it sound like much of a request.  It probably sounded more like 'You owe me'.  Yes, there's sin in that.  And I'll think about that later.)  I think He probably makes a big deal over all the babies and children in Heaven.

One month ago, right about now (11:22pm), Jason and I were holding her for the first time.  That time with her was so short.  Too short.

I miss her.