A Month Ago Today...

... at this moment, I was laying in a hospital bed, and Ruthe was my nurse.  She was my favorite night shift nurse.  :-)   

Ruthe was awesome.  I didn't get to know her well, but this is what I do know about her.  She's really creative.  The nurses had a bulletin board across from their work station.  I wandered out to their station one afternoon because I felt the onslaught of tears coming - my nurse told me to come out and 'chat' with them if I needed a distraction.  So I did.  Anyway, Ruthe did the bulletin board.  And she did a great job.  The bulletin board was beautiful.  There was a tree on it with lots of a fall-colored leaves, and all of the nurses' names were on it.  The other nurses actually took pictures of Ruthe's bulletin boards because they were so good. 

A month ago tonight, I learned that Ruthe had a Samsung Galaxy SIII.  She showed me a couple of her bulletin board pictures on it.  Jason really wants a Samsung GSIII.  I must admit - I gloated a little that I got to play with Ruthe's GSIII, and Jason didn't.

Ruthe is also just a spectacular nurse.  I was on an IV antibiotic for the first 48 hours I was in the hospital.  This particular antibiotic is known for being REALLY painful when administered through an IV.  There were times it made my wrist and thumb hurt about as much as pitocin-induced contractions.  It was awful.  But Ruthe, AKA super-nurse, knew some top secrets of the trade to reduce my pain.  I will love her forever for that.  :-)

It's amazing the details I remember, or strain to remember, of my last week with Elliana.  At this moment one month ago, I was watching the last episode of the first season of Downton Abbey.

A month ago tonight, Elliana was still strong.  Her heartbeat was steady.  She was kicking and moving and objecting to the monitors attached to my belly.  And sitting squarely on my bladder.  AND... She was giving me so. much. heartburn. 

In my experience, the old wives' tale is definitely true:  heartburn = lots of hair. 

A month ago tonight, my little girl was still alive.  The umbilical cord that connected the two of us was her lifeline.  I was still taking care of her - by laying in a hospital bed, staying pregnant. 

One month ago, I was enjoying her.  And I still had hope that I would be able to bring her home.

And now, at this moment, she's perfect - living, breathing, no cleft lip, no 'flaws' in her physical body.  She's perfect in heaven.

I'm thankful that she's not suffering.  But I would go back and be pregnant all over again if it meant being with her just a little while longer.