The Day She Died

I've been hesitant to write about this day.  Publicly, anyway.  It was a dark day - emotionally, mentally, physically - even outside, it was a dark, cloudy day.

Not that 'dark' is really anything new here on my blog.  ;-)  But that day, October 6, 2012, was particularly dark.

She was born at 10:56pm Friday night, October 5.  All efforts to revive her stopped around 11:20pm.  I didn't know it at the time, but as soon as the 'cease efforts' decision was made, my doctor sent someone to get our photographer, Beth.  We'd been told that no one would be allowed in the OR.  But my doctor gave us a beautiful gift - pictures of our first few minutes with Elliana.

I don't know exactly what time surgery was over.  I do know that the end of that surgery was really hard - physically.  I think we left the OR sometime around midnight.  As I was being wheeled out into recovery, Jason carried Elliana.  I couldn't see them for a minute, and I panicked.  Everyone was quick to reassure me that Jason was holding her, and that they were right behind me.

I don't think I got to see my mom hold Elliana for the first time.  But I have pictures of that moment.

I am so thankful for the pictures.

**I don't like telling this like a 'story'.  I don't know why.  I just don't.  So... I think I just need to write what I remember.

I remember what she felt like laying on my chest.

I remember Beth taking pictures - she was so discreet.  But I knew she was there.

I remember Jeremy and Gina standing beside the bed.

I remember wanting Gina and Beth to hold her.  It was so important to me that other people got to hold her.  See her.  Feel her weight.  Because up until that night, I had been the only one who had ever 'held' her, so to speak, in utero.

I remember such heaviness - in my heart, on my chest, on Jason's face.

I remember my mom asking Jeremy if he would pray as Elliana went from her brief life here into eternity.

And I remember Jeremy praying.

I remember the nurse coming over and listening to Elliana's heart - checking to see if she still had a heartbeat.

I remember that my dad and one of my sisters were on their way.  I remember that my dad was going to get to the hospital around 2am.

Around 1:30am, the nurse came over to me, indicating that she wanted to listen to Elliana's heart again. I asked if she would please wait until after my dad got there - because I wanted him to hold her before she was gone.

I don't remember getting from recovery to my room.  I don't remember where Elliana was - if she was still with me, or if Jason carried her.

I do remember that when we got to the room, I thought:  This is not where the new mommies go.  This isn't right.  This isn't the hall for new mommies. 

I remember nurses trying to get me settled.  And all I wanted to do was just be with my baby.

I remember my dad arriving.  He held Elliana.  And I have sweet pictures of that, too.

This is my favorite one of my parents - 'Mimi' and 'Granddaddy' - with their 14th grandchild.  :-)

And after my dad held her for a few minutes, I remember him giving her back to us.  

And I remember looking at the nurse with tears in my eyes, and telling her that if she needed to listen to Elliana's heart again, it was ok for her to do it.

She listened.  Then she looked at me.  Then she looked at the clock.  It was 2:15am. 

Think I might need to finish this post tomorrow.  Can't do anymore tonight.