The Day She Died, Part 2

Soon after 2:15am, the nurse who'd been with me all night washed Elliana's hair and put her in one of the infant gowns we'd brought to the hospital.  We wrapped her up in the blanket Beth had given her on the day we got the 'it's a girl' news.  And we put the hat on her that Beth's 8-year-old daughter had knitted, just for Elliana.

Everyone talked so quietly.  Everyone whispered.  After 2:15, everyone whispered.

One of my sisters arrived shortly after 2:15.  She got to hold Elliana for a little while.  And cry with me.

Then everyone left, and it was dark and quiet.

They told us that we could keep Elliana with us as long as we wanted to.  They said that even if we sent her to the morgue, we could get her back if we wanted to.

Was this really happening? 

Jason and I tried to sleep.  Elliana laid on my chest.

I kept dozing off, but I couldn't fall into a deep sleep.  I kept waking up, startled.  It felt like I couldn't breathe.  I wanted to sleep so badly.  I was so tired.  But it almost felt like every time I fell asleep, I stopped breathing.

I called the nurse once - sometime in the very early hours of the morning - to tell her that I couldn't sleep, and I was so tired.  I don't remember what she said.  But it didn't help, anyway.

I do remember that a couple hours later, the nurse came in and put an oxygen mask on my face.  I remember her saying that every time I fell asleep, my oxygen was dropping.

Part of me wanted to scream, 'WASN'T I JUST TELLING YOU THAT?'  And part of me just didn't care.  I wore the oxygen mask.

Maybe I was just waiting for Elliana to move?  When you have a newborn sleeping on or beside you, you just 'know' that the baby is there - even when you're asleep.  And when they move or squirm, it's like a signal that they're ready to nurse.  I knew she was gone.  But maybe having her there with me - feeling her weight on my chest - maybe I just couldn't fall asleep, or even breathe, because I was 'waiting' for her to move?

Sometime on that Saturday morning, some friends came to see us.  I remember that the room was so dark.  It was dark outside - so cloudy.  I remember S coming and sitting beside me.  I remember K talking with Jason.

Then more quiet.  More silence.  No baby crying.

Every time the nurse came in, she spoke so quietly.

Jason and I tried to talk about when to have Funeral Home Man come.  But I couldn't pick a time.  I couldn't decide when to hand my baby over to a strange man and never hold her again.

I think sometime later in the morning, I knew that more family was coming.  We knew that they were going to bring Elijah.  We weren't sure if it was a good idea for Elijah to see Elliana or not.  Her color was so... not alive.  We didn't know if it would 'help' Elijah to see his little sister like that.  So we thought we'd let him decide.

Shortly before family arrived, the nurse took Elliana in her bassinet (which she may have only laid in that one time) out to the nurse's station - just for the period of time that Elijah and other family members came.

We just weren't sure.  Would it be 'good' for Elijah to see and have the opportunity to hold his dead sister?  Would family members want to see and/or hold a dead baby?  It was so awful, and so morbid, to think about.

But... it was awful.  And it was morbid.  And we had to think about it.

Elijah came in first by himself.  He brought several of Elliana's things - things that had been gifts for her.  A blanket, a little elephant with a purple ribbon on its ear.  He asked where Elliana was and we explained.  We asked if he'd like to see her or hold her.  He said he'd rather not.  And that was ok - I did NOT want to pressure my 10-year-old to do something he wasn't comfortable with.

My brother and sister-in-law came in.  They did want to see her and hold her.  I was glad for that.  :-)  And I was so comforted by their tears - which just sounds weird.

And then my sisters came in.  And they wanted to see her and hold her.  And they cried with me.  I think they started asking me about what we wanted her to be buried in.  Or maybe that was Sunday.  I can't remember which day.  They did go shopping - it must have been Saturday when they tried to find an outfit for her.

We were talking about what to bury her in.  New mommies and daddies don't do that.  Aunties don't do that.

Think this post will have to be in three parts.