Remember that other world in which I occasionally live? I can't get out of it. I feel so disconnected from... I don't even know what. Reality? Grief? My baby girl?
I know that some really difficult transitions are coming. Leaving our church of 10+ years. Levi starting kindergarten. Down to 'only 1 at home'. Maybe my brain is just 'protecting' me from feeling the weight of those things in addition to grief.
I don't know.
But I'm frustrated with this place - it almost feels like it never happened. Like Elliana never even existed.
And I hate that.
I have so much to write about - the beach, Funeral Home Man, my church, directing again, the moment I realized what I was hoping that 3rd option would be so many months ago - but I just don't have words.
I feel like I don't have emotion most of the time.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll just pick a topic and start writing.
So much stuff. Is it all sloshing around in your head, in a painful nonsensical mess like mine?
ReplyDeleteElliana existed. She matters and is loved <3