The Un-Pessimistic Post

I feel like I've spent the last week or two with my hands over my ears, eyes squinted shut, yelling as loudly as I can.  If you're into the whole 'phases of grief' thing (and I'm not), maybe I've slipped back into denial.

In some ways, I think it helped.  In other ways, it didn't help at all, and reality is still reality.  Elliana is still gone.

But... I'm taking a short vacation from my normal pessimistic, life-sucks, screw-the-silver-lining outlook on life and devoting a couple paragraphs to what my days in denial DID for me.  Not sure I can go so far as to say that I'm feeling 'optimistic', but maybe un-pessimistic.

Here's to looking on the bright side.

'Denial' (or whatever you wanna call it) gave my brain a break from the big black hole of grief.  For a little over a week, my thoughts have not been consumed with my daughter's death.  They have been consumed with cleaning, organizing, cooking, baking, and planning.  And baking some more.  And just a little bit of shopping.

I've tried several new crock pot recipes (only a couple got big thumbs-up from the kids) and baked cinnamon bread/rolls twice.

That's a LOT of cinnamon rolls, by the way.

I've gotten caught up on laundry several times.  Because in my house, I don't get caught up and stay caught up.  I get behind again in like, an hour.

I took all 4 kids to the dentist at one time and played the part of the extremely enthusiastic mom who will try just about anything to get the little ones to open their mouths for the dentist.  Did I mention that I was extremely enthusiastic?

I've made significant progress on a chair I'm recovering.  Trying to piece together the cushion covers with piping and zippers has scared me.  But I finally just bit the bullet and started.  I (well, Jason) put the partially finished chair up in my living room (right in the middle of where life happens at our house) where I can't ignore it.  Now one cushion cover is finished (with the crappiest zipper job I've ever seen), and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel for the other one.  Maybe zipper attempt #2 will be more successful (see?? un-pessimistic??).  I'm sort of hoping 'denial' lasts until the chair is complete. :-)

I've finished (and Jason has hung) the wall of pictures in my living room.  I wasn't happy with the way one of the pictures looked, and it about made my me cry thinking about trying to find a replacement photo.  It took me hours to figure out which ones I wanted in the first place.  But... my brain must have needed another project.  I decided I wanted a picture of Elliana's flowers to go in that 8x10 spot.  The flowers I put at the cemetery at the beginning of January are especially pretty, I think.  Levi picked out the colors - purple and yellow.  (The last time he went to the 'garden' with me, he asked if Elliana liked his flowers.  :-)  I told him that yes, she most certainly did LOVE them - because her big brother picked them out.)  So I went to the cemetery one morning and took a few pictures of the flowers.  Felt a little bit weird.  To take pictures of the flowers at a cemetery.  But I did.  And... I'm no photographer.  I knew I wanted a picture of JUST her flowers (because who wants to walk into my living room and see a cemetery landscape on my wall??), and I wanted it to be good enough quality to be blown up to an 8x10.  So my friend, Dubbie, who is an aspiring photographer, came and did a little editing magic.  I've ordered one, and... we'll see.  This taking-a-break-from-pessimism is sort of helping me anticipate that it's going to look just as good on my wall as it does in my head.

Think I'll stop while I'm ahead.  I'm afraid if I keep writing, the silver lining will disappear.  I'll let this post just be... un-pessimistic.

:-)  Look.  It's even smiling.