Dear Chris Tomlin

Dear Chris Tomlin,

I know it's highly unlikely that you'll ever actually read this, but there are some things on my mind (inspired by music you wrote), and I felt like writing a 'letter' to you might be the best way to communicate them.

I have such an appreciation for your music.  There are lots of great musicians and song writers in the world, but their music doesn't always lead me to worship my Savior.  Your songs do.  You write songs that people not only like and enjoy - they worship with your songs.  I think I remember hearing you say something at a Thirsty conference years ago - that when you were younger, someone prayed that God would make you a psalmist for our generation.  I believe He has.  :-)

So... why am I writing to you??

I should tell you first that a little over six months ago, my husband and I learned that our unborn daughter had a genetic disorder, and that she would probably not live long after she was born.  We spent the last three months of my pregnancy grieving the 'anticipated' death of our little girl, but hoping that our doctors were wrong, that God would heal her little body, and that she would live.

Our daughter, Elliana, was born on October 5.  She only lived a few short hours.

I don't understand.  I mean, I know 'bad things' happen.  We live in a fallen world.  Sickness and death are part of the curse.  But I also know God is sovereign.  Why would He create my daughter with a fatal disorder?  I'm angry.  Confused.  Numb.  Wanting to throw shoes at people.  And angry some more.  Thinking I may just ignore God and never speak to Him again.

But I, this mom who wants to ignore God, went to Target the other day and bought your new CD, Burning Lights.  Why?  I have no idea.  And THEN... I listened to it.  I'm probably not going to explain this well - I'm still ignoring God, but I can hear the Gospel in your music.  I can't hear it well on Sunday mornings at church (mostly because I just have a crummy attitude and don't want to hear it), and I can't hear it on k-love (because I don't really give a rip about 'positive and encouraging' right now).  But I heard it on your CD.

This might sound completely backwards and make no sense AT ALL, but it feels easier for my heart to remain stone-cold and resistant to the Gospel.  I think I know what will happen if my heart softens:  repentance.  Returning to my Father.  But in doing that, I fear acknowledging that His ways are higher than mine.  And that even though I don't understand it, His ways are better than mine.  I'm not there.  I can't admit that.  I can't say that His plan to give me a little girl to carry for 31 weeks and 5 days and then hold for the few hours her heart was beating was 'better' than getting to enjoy a lifetime with her.

I should also tell you that music is a language for me.  It speaks to me in a way that nothing else can.  And I can communicate my grief and love for my daughter when I play the piano.  

All that said, your songs can reach the parts of my heart that I've been guarding.  And even though the wall of anger is still there, you've reminded me that He is still there.  Even in my anger.  I may not want Him there, I may not acknowledge that He's there... but He is.  And to some degree, in a way that makes no sense even to me, that *helps* me.

I struggle to believe the truths of the Gospel, but hearing you play and sing so passionately and worshipfully made me want to play and sing.  With more passion than I've ever had before.  For a brief moment, I saw myself leading others in worship - others who are hurting.  Not sure how, or when, or even if that will ever happen, but just knowing that the desire is there made me think that maybe I won't be stuck in this black hole of grief forever.

I read on facebook that you were going to be in Connecticut, leading grieving families in worship.  Oh, how I wish I could have been there.  You worship well.  And that leads others, I think even people who are hurting deeply, to worship well.

Thanks.

And hey - one day, years from now, if you lead worship in Heaven, can I play the piano with you?  :-)