October 3

I'm confused.  My memories are so vivid - so specific to days of the week.  Today is Thursday.  *This* Thursday, one year ago, was the night before she was born.  But today is October 3 - which was Wednesday last year.  I still had 48 more hours with her on October 3, 2012.  

You'd think this wouldn't really be a big deal.  But it is.

I think I'll focus on October 3.  Or try to, anyway.

I had an ultrasound on October 3 last year.  It was the first time we got really good 3D pics of Elliana's face.  I can't remember who did my ultrasound that day.  I remember who did it on Monday, October 1 - some girl I'd never met, who didn't know anything about us, who kept asking questions as if we had no clue that there was something wrong with our little girl.  

And I remember who did my ultrasound on Friday, October 5 - the day she was born.  My favorite tech, 'A'.  :-)

But I don't remember who did the ultrasound on Wednesday, October 3.  

I do remember getting lots of ultrasound pictures that day.  :-)

I remember that I finally discovered a sandwich that I liked from the hospital cafeteria.  And I remember the tree outside my window.  I remember watching an episode from season 1 of Downton Abbey.  I remember the nighttime nurse not being nearly as friendly as the daytime nurse (except Ruthe).  I remember chocolate chip pumpkin muffins and peppermint mochas.

I remember what her heartbeat sounded like.

I remember the routine - unplugging 3 monitor cords so I could go to the bathroom.  Throwing the cords over my shoulder, walking to the bathroom (well, waddling to the bathroom), having contractions, walking back to bed, plugging all the cords back in.  Hearing her heartbeat.  Hearing her move.  

She was an active little thing.

And she hated the monitors.  :-)

I remember the visitors I had that night, October 3. 

I remember them taking me on a 'walk' (in a wheelchair) just outside the hospital.  Because I hadn't been outside the hospital in a couple days.

Did I sleep much that night?  I don't remember.

This girl.  This baby girl.  My Elliana.  A friend reminded me recently that she lived.  She breathed.  She thrived when she was connected to me.  Right up until the end.  Which came all too quickly.  

Thanks to some very sweet friends, I have some beautiful yellow flowers sitting on my kitchen counter.  

She had the most beautiful golden hair I have ever seen on a newborn baby. 

Elliana Belle.  Belle means beauty.  She was so beautiful.