What If's...

It's been 5 days since Jason and I were told that our daughter probably would not survive long after her birth.  And I still can't believe it's happening.

But maybe they're wrong.  An 18-week ultrasound can't be that accurate, can it?  And I heard the sonographer - both of them, actually - say that Elliana wasn't positioned ideally for them to get clear pictures of everything they needed.  On Tuesday, it sounded almost certain that she would not make it.  Since then, I've talked to the doctor over the phone a couple of times.  Now he's talking about gathering more information.  Doing a couple more tests to get a more accurate picture of the things that concerned him the other day.  He's talking about surgeries she might need immediately after she's born.  He sounds... hopeful?  That might be too strong a word.

But maybe, just maybe, we'll find out that Elliana is doing a whole lot better than we think she is? 

I've had some abdominal aches and pains today.  A week ago, I probably wouldn't have given them much thought.  But since I'm still in the window of risk associated with an amioncentesis (Yes, I had an amnio.  Never, EVER thought I would.  Ever.  I hated every minute of it.), I started worrying that perhaps I was feeling the beginnings of some kind of side effect.  So I called the on-call number for my regular OB.  I didn't go into the whole story with the kind woman (a midwife, I think) who spoke with me.  I didn't tell her what we were told about Elliana.  But I did tell her I had an amnio and what I was feeling, and then she asked me lots of questions.  She very pleasantly reassured me that the baby had probably gone through a growth spurt and my body was just adjusting to the added weight.  Probably no reason for concern. 

Two voices compete in my head. 

One says to me, 'A growth spurt??  She doesn't know what they told you the other day.  They told you she's measuring small.  Weeks smaller than she should be.  A growth spurt isn't likely.' 

The other says, 'What if she has grown?  What if she's been miraculously healed?  Maybe my Elliana is going to be ok?  Please, Lord, let it be so!'

Please...

Tomorrow morning, we'll see (and hear, I hope) Elliana's heart during a fetal echocardiogram.  I think I'm daring to hope that maybe it won't be quite as bad as it appeared 5 days ago.