My God Answered Me

I'm panicking a little bit.  I haven't felt Elliana move since this morning.  And I know I'm probably being irrational - it's been hours.  Not days. 

Earlier this week, the doctor talked to us about our 'options'.  And there were really only two.  Carrying Elliana for as long as possible, or terminating the pregnancy.  I don't think I ever actually 'considered' termination.  I never contemplated going through with an abortion.  But I'm ashamed to admit that at that moment, it wasn't because I valued Elliana's life.  It was because I couldn't bear the thought of taking her life.  How can a mother think things like, 'I don't think I can do this.  I can't carry this baby knowing I will have to bury her almost as soon as I deliver her.  Maybe it would be easier if she went to be with Jesus sooner rather than later.' 

But now, 4 days later, I'm begging God for more time with her.  I'm pleading with Him to let me feel her and enjoy her life as long as possible.  For the next 20 weeks, as tortuous as it might be. 

It's taken me about 20 minutes to write this.  And just a few moments ago, my God answered me.  I felt her.  :-)