I think there are days in a mom's life that just change you forever. Not necessarily the day itself that has much affect, but the event or events of the day. Some days are extraordinary, celebratory days. Some are days full of pain and heartache. I, like many moms, have had both. It seems like the painful days outnumber the celebratory days, probably just because I approach life from a fairly pessimistic point of view.
The days on my heart's calendar...
*January 4, 2002 - the day we found out there was a mother looking for an adoptive family for her unborn son (Elijah).
*April 4, 2002 - the day Elijah was born.
*April 11, 2002 - the day we first held Elijah. I became a mommy.
April 17, 2002 - the day we had to give Elijah back to his birth mother. The first time my 'mommy heart' broke.
*April 18, 2002 - the day we got Elijah BACK.
*May 3, 2002 - the day Elijah was 'ours'. We'd never have to fear giving him back to anybody.
*April 6, 2006 - my first (shocking) positive pregnancy test.
April 24, 2006 - the day we lost our first biological child, Zachary.
October 23, 2006 - the day we lost our second biological child, Hannah.
December 10, 2006 - Zachary's due date.
*May 11, 2007 - the day I found out I was pregnant with Levi.
June 15, 2007 - Hannah's due date.
*August 2, 2007 - the day we picked up our first foster son, Matthew, from the hospital.
*January 11, 2008 - the day Levi was born.
February 12, 2008 - the day we had to say goodbye to Matthew.
*May 2, 2008 - the day we met our foster (and later, adopted) daughter, Melissa.
*July 25, 2009 - the day I found out I was pregnant; didn't know until later we were expecting twins.
September 17, 2009 - the day we lost our twins, Samuel and Sarah.
*December 3, 2009 - the day I found out I was pregnant with Seth.
March 15, 2010 - the twins' due date.
*August 17, 2010 - the day Seth was born.
*March 26, 2012 - the day I found out I was pregnant with Elliana.
July 3, 2012 - the day we heard that Elliana would probably not live.
That's a long list. My apologies to anybody who's reading. :-)
Looks like the happy life-changing days (the ones with a *) outnumber the sad life-changing days. I think it was good for me to list those days and count them. I have a lot to be thankful for. Ten blessings.
But (reverting back to the pessimist in me), we've had 6 goodbye's. SIX. Our first goodbye (Elijah) was redeemed; we got him back. Matthew, who I "mommy'ed" for 6 months, lives in another county an hour-and-a-half away with people who are strangers to us; we will probably never see him again. And four of the six, we were never able to hold. That's a lot of heartache. Thinking about a 7th goodbye is just about more than I can bear.
There's a part of me (well, maybe more than just a part) that thinks 'Why in the world is God asking us to go through this? Haven't we been through enough already? Haven't we had our share of heartache? WHAT are we doing wrong? Is this punishment?'
I know the answers to some of those questions. And the answers would probably help me, if I could 'ponder' them for a while. The Gospel would help me. But the noise of what we're facing just drowns everything else out. I can't hear the Gospel. I can't seem to remember it right now.
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