Worth It

Over the last couple of days, I've found a few other blogs by moms who have experienced the death of a baby, either by stillbirth, or a few hours/days after birth.  Can't really explain why I'm reading other blogs - maybe just to connect with someone?  Even if it's in a virtual sort of way?  I have two friends who have been through something similar - carrying a baby with a poor prognosis.  It helps to connect with others who have been there, or who are currently living through it.

As I've read through some of the blogs, I've commented on a couple of posts, and one of the moms found her way back to my blog.  I think she read our story from the beginning.  She probably didn't make it all the way through all of my posts - it's a long story.  But one of the comments she left has been on my mind a lot today.

Today.  March 5.  My little blond Elliana would have been 5 months old today.

This other mom commented on something I wrote when I was 24 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  I was struggling with how to 'view' this pregnancy.  It was so difficult to accept that all of the really hard things that come with pregnancy were worth it, when there would be no bundle of joy to take home in the end.

This other mom reminded me:  Elliana was worth it.

Looking back, as the weeks of carrying Elliana went on, all of the hard things that pregnancy brings became easier to accept.  And not just accept - embrace.  It was all worth it.   The heartburn, the aches and pains - everything.  It was worth it.  She was worth it.

And...

I would do it all over again.  Not just the heartburn and aches and pain.  The heartache.  The tears. The gazillion appointments.  The doctors telling us over, and over, and over again that her prognosis was not good.  The agony of knowing that I would give birth to a baby who was not going to live.

I would do it all over again.

The jabs in the ribs.  The my-mom's-bladder-is-a-trampoline game.

Her kicks.  Her hiccups.

I would do it all over again.  I would choose her.

She was worth it.