Still

I am still Elliana's mother.  

Someone said that to me today, and it helped me to hear it.  

I knew her.  I knew that she wasn't particularly fond of ultrasounds.  She was really camera-shy - she refused to give us a good clear shot of her face right up until the week she was born.  And she had plenty of camera time between July 3 and October 5.

She was active.  I had hoped that meant she was a fighter.

She liked football.  :-)

She was the pickiest 'eater' EVER.  I remember trying Thai food for the first time on my mom's birthday last year, June 3, 2012.  I absolutely loved it.  So when I was craving it a week later, my sweet husband drove me (AND the kids) to a Thai restaurant 30 minutes away so we could get take-out.  (Because who in their right mind would take 4 kids into a Thai restaurant?)  We got home, put the kids to bed, and I dove into my plate of Pad Thai.

It tasted awful.  I hated it.  

That happened a lot during Elliana's life.  She did a number on my appetite.  

It took me F - O - R - E - V - E - R to figure out what I wanted to eat.  Every. Single. Meal.

Little stinker.  :-)

I loved her so much.  I love her still.

My role as 'mom' didn't stop when her body no longer had life.  My longing to take care of her didn't go away when she left my arms.

She knew my heartbeat.  She knew my voice.

She knew when I was trying to get her to 'play' with me.

I miss her.

I'm still her mom.