A year ago today, she made her presence known in the form of 2 pink lines on the pregnancy test.
I still remember standing in our driveway, watching chaos drive around on bicycles, tricycles, and scooters, thinking, 'Wow. Another one. Five kids. Wow. Oh my WORD, what are we going to DO???'
Sometimes I wonder - maybe if I'd been only happy and elated, and if there had been no shadow of doubt or fear about handling 5 kids, maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe she'd still be here.
Fast forward one year, almost to the day. One year later, and instead of taking Elliana for a 6-month check-up, I'm going to talk to a doctor about why she died. Tomorrow, I'm supposed to go see one of the neonatologists we talked to during that week I spent in the hospital - one of the doctors who was going to do everything he could to help Elliana, if he'd been present at her delivery. He wasn't there - a different neonatologist was on call that weekend.
I just want to ask some questions. I just want to hear, from a man who sees preemies every day, that there really was nothing more we could have done. I just want to know that we didn't make all the wrong decisions.
You didn't cause the challenges Elliana's body faced by being surprised that she'd come to you. I know how much you love that little girl.
ReplyDeleteEach of my children has been very much planned, and each time I've worried about how I'd handle another baby. It's hard not to feel terrible for having those "how will I do this" moments during my last pregnancy.
I wish you and I had met in a "December 2012 babies" group instead of the manner in which we did. I'd like that so much better.