If I could re-live any part of my life, it would be the hours I had with Elliana laying on my chest.
And if I could do something different, I would have had Elijah, Levi, Missy, and Seth come to the hospital, even though it was so late at night. I wish I had a picture of the 5 of them together.
But then... I wonder. If they had come to the hospital, would this be harder on them?
So many if's.
If I had prayed differently, maybe she wouldn't have had Tetrasomy 9p.
If I'd had more faith, maybe God would have spared her.
If we had waited a little longer, maybe her heart rate would have stabilized and tolerated contractions better.
If I had let her stay skin-to-skin on my chest longer, even though I couldn't see her very well, maybe she would have had a few more hours of life.
If we had told the neonatologist to keep trying, and start CPR, maybe she would still be alive.
So many if's. And no answers.
I'd really like to throw something. Break something. Shatter something.
We can't know.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you that none of this is your fault. It isn't.
And the What If game is nothing but cruel torture. I know because I play it too.
ReplyDeleteHugs.
If I'd taken that 7:30p flight to CLT on Friday....it wouldn't have changed a thing for Elliana. Or, probably, for me. But I still wish I had.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you often and praying for you, Shannon. Your sweet Elliana is part of our regular conversations:). She has touched many more lives than you know. I understand that doesn't bring her back, or make this easier, but her little life was not in vain. Draw near to Jesus in this time that He has given you a desperation for all things to be made right. Eternity is a long, long time and you will never tire of gazing on your daughter's sweet face or enjoying her antics then, and all without the fear of death. Allow God to do His work. His timing is different than ours, but it only means the glory will be sweeter.
ReplyDeleteHi Shannon, you don't know me but I came across your blog through jessica beaver last fall. In no way do I understand how your heart feels but I thought of something when reading this post I wanted to pass along. Another blogger lost a daughter in a very similiar circumstance a few years ago and a she wrote about shattering a pitcher a glueing it back together again for "therapy". When I read that I thought it sounded a little crazy. But a few months later during a difficult time I was reminded of that post. I wresetled with it for weeks before finally buying an old pitcher. I again wresetled with the idea as it sat on top of my dresser for 3 weeks. The day I finally conceded and took it outside and smashed that thing....watched it shatter into a hundred pieces...it was amazing. And glueing it back together again was....healing. it took hours and I cut myself and glued my fingers together but it was a very oddly freeing experience. I recommend doing it if you want to break and shatter something :) it doesn't fix anything or take away what's happened, but God spoke to me during those 2 hours and there was healing in my heart. here is the link to her blog post about it: http://angiesmithonline.com/2008/05/the-past-and-the-pitcher/
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